Blind
by Totoromo
Summary: Now complete. RenIchi. Spoilers for ch423. Ichigo has lost his spiritual powers and can't see any of his shinigami friends anymore, but Renji won't give up until the man he loves can see him again.
1. Blind

**Title: **Blind

**Fandom: **Bleach

**Rating:** M, language, sexual situations, yaoi.

**Description: **RenjixIchigo. Spoilers for chapter 423. Ichigo has lost his spiritual powers and can't see any of his shinigami friends anymore, which leads to some interesting situations when Renji tries to confront him.

**Disclaimer:** Bleach is created and owned by Tite Kubo, I merely pay homage to characters and a story I love.

* * *

"Damn it, Ichigo, try harder!" I yelled at him. He looked bored. And here I thought he was annoying before. I'm not a patient man by any standards, and considering how long I've been trying to get him to see me, how many trips I've made to the world of the living, well, you can see my frustration. "ICHIGO, YOU IDIOT, I'M GOING TO START POUNDING ON YOU WHETHER YOU CAN SEE ME OR NOT!"

Ichigo didn't know, couldn't know, what the loss of his powers was doing to the Soul Society. Sure we won, but it didn't seem like that from where I was standing. Captain Zaraki refused to believe that Ichigo had lost his powers at first and had come to Ichigo's house and smacked Ichigo across the head, landing him in the hospital. I heard that Ichigo's dad had it out with Zaraki after that, which must have been something to see considering the grin on Kenpachi's face when he finally got back to the Seireitei. The grin didn't last long though, as weeks and months passed and Ichigo still was as weak as any normal human. If Kenpachi is depressed, all of Squad 11 normally follows. A depressed Squad 11 is kind of weird to see too. I even saw them pass by a group of drunk Squad 4 members like it was nothing.

Captain Kuchiki pretends like its better all around this way, but I see him staring out the window too often. Who knows if he actually misses the kid himself or if he's just worried about Rukia, but either way, it's not like he's unaffected by it.

And Rukia. Well, there's not much to say there. She hasn't even tried to go back and see him, even though I know that she thinks about him all the time. I think that she can't handle him looking right through her. I want to ask her if she ever had feelings for him, or even if she still does, but I'm afraid that will make her even more depressed. Not that she acts depressed at all, on the outside she's exactly the same. Someone close to her though, people like her captain, her brother and I, we're all worried.

"Look, Ichigo, you really have to…" I stopped talking as Ichigo casually pulled off his shirt. "Um…" I wasn't really sure what to do when his pants started coming off too. I mean, it's not like he could see me or feel me, so why wouldn't he get undressed? Hell, I'm hardly dressed at all in my own quarters and only throw on a robe when I have to go outside. Still, it was pretty unnerving to see him being so calm about it. Well, I guess unnerving wouldn't be the word.

Great, now I'm watching him take off his underwear. I really should have left before this point, or at least avert my eyes. But I really can't. Fantastic, now I'm a peeping Tom. The only difference is I can be right next to him without him seeing me. Hell, I could even touch him. Ok, bad thought. Very bad thought. Yeah, leaving now.

I paused at the window though, hearing him give a slight moan as he stretched his body in a yawn. Renji, seriously, how perverted can you be? He's one of your best friends, you've fought him and sweat with him and fought next to him. You've trained with him for hours until you couldn't stand, you've even fallen asleep from pure exhaustion next to him.

That's what I was thinking about right now. That time in Urahara's training area when we fought for what was probably days. We had both practically passed out, and when I woke up he had slumped over onto me, his head rest on my chest. I remember being shocked, and then reaching over and ruffling his hair a little, gently resting my arm around him and going back to sleep. Just a small thing, but it was definitely on my mind.

"Bye, Ichigo," I said, leaving maybe for the last time. I was beginning to see why Rukia never came. A sudden blush came across my face. What if she had been here when he was getting undressed?

I waited an entire two months before I visited him again. I scoped out the place first because his little sister Karin can see me and she's quite the bitc…er, strong minded female when she wants to be. I think she thinks I have a thing for her brother and am stalking him. Which I might be.

His father is another story too. He doesn't hassle me like Karin does but he always talks to me, and really he's kind of a weirdo. I call him beardman in my mind, although I suppose I could call him goat face like Ichigo does.

No one is home, not even Ichigo. I decide to wait in his room and see if he shows up. Oh yeah, he's at school, guess I should look at the clock.

I drift off to sleep on his bed. When I woke up I heard a shower running. I go to the bathroom door, open it, and peer in, just to get an idea of who is in there. The pile of clothes at the doorway tell me it's Ichigo. Now here's the struggle where I figure out that yes, I really am losing it. I don't leave right away. For some reason I'm stuck in place. Ok, I know the reason, and the reason is that ever since Ichigo has been gone I've realized that I really need him to be around. That's why I've been by so often. I can't just go away and be hurt and sad like Rukia, or quiet like Captain Kuchiki, or drunk and depressed like Captain Zaraki. I have to have him see me. He just has to come back.

Before things were a little too hectic to stop and think about things. He was trying to kill me (or me him), there was betrayals and murders happening. Then we were training for bankai, getting our skills up for the upcoming war, and then invading Hueco Mundo and trying to get Orihime back. There wasn't downtime for me to think about how close I'd gotten to Ichigo, how I relied on him, how I loved teasing him and how much I enjoyed him showing me around the world of the living. Now there was nothing _but_ downtime. Nothing but lots and lots of hours and days and months to think of what I'd rather be doing; which was training with Ichigo and then going out to eat afterward, eating something new like ice cream and having him laugh at me when I ate it too fast and got a headache.

It's only been recently that I made myself admit that I actually like him as more than a friend. I mean, he's still like a baby to me in age, so it's been harder than you might think having to deal with it. Then again, anyone that can fight off captains and espadas isn't really a child in any way. Someone who's grinned in the face of death and met it headlong isn't immature, they're an adult by a long shot.

So I stayed there, listening to the water roll of his body, the sounds of him scrub off the grime and sweat off himself.

"Mmm," I heard him moan.

Oh my god. I feel a shudder go down my spine, because that is definitely one of the sexiest moans I've ever heard, and it's definitely a moan that…

"Mmmmm," he moans again, louder.

Shit, he really is going to fucking jack off in the shower, and I'm probably going to sit right here and listen to the whole thing, loving it.

No, I really should leave. I mean, even if he did have some sort of thing for me, which there's never really been any indication that he did…I mean, it's creepy right? I'm not a creeper.

The sounds coming from the shower are truly heavenly and if I don't leave right now not only am I creep, but I'm probably going to jump in the shower with him and molest him.

I force myself to back out, shivering. I close the door and go back to Ichigo's room, which turns out to be a bad thing because as I lay down on his bed the whole place just feels like him. It smells like him and it reeks of memories of me showing up at 2am at his window, sitting on his bed with him and chatting about who knows what for hours.

Damn, I'm really too turned on and I'm not about to jerk off on his bed, because that's just rude. Ok, and fucking sexy, but still, rude.

Don't think about. Don't think about it.

Ichigo comes in. I guess I must have been fighting with myself longer than I thought. He's only wearing a towel and I rake my eyes over him. He's still glowing from his little shower sex session and I can just feel it rolling off of him. I want him, badly.

He takes off his towel and I try to look away, but there's not really any point to fighting with myself about it because I know I'm not going to.

Then he threw himself down on his bed, right on top of me. I gasp and grab onto him, not wanting him to fall off.

He's naked and on top of me. I can't let him go.

His face is perplexed. He's looking into my chest. I know he has to feel something, it's not like he's stupid and assuming that he's just hovering over his covers or anything.

"Renji?" he asks.

Shit.

"Ichigo," I said, knowing he can't hear me. I don't think I've ever been this close to tears since that time I thought he'd killed me, when I thought that everything I've ever fought for in my life was over. When I realized that he was more than me and it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt, even more than when I watched Rukia walk away when she decided to become a Kuchiki.

His hand is out, trying to feel me. A hand on my chest, then tracing along my shoulders. I wonder what it feels like, if he can feel the shape of me or only resistance. His hand comes up my neck, across my jawbone. I'm gritting my teeth. My lips, how dare his run his fingers along my lips that way? Fuck. I'm gasping for breath. My cheekbones, my temples…he pauses.

"So, you never did get another pair of goggles, huh?" he asks, his hands on the bandanna I'm using to hold my hair back.

He can feel enough then. Enough to tell small things like that. He tugs on the piece of cloth, and it falls away, my hair coming to rest loosely on the pillow behind me and around my face. He runs his fingers through it. Oh my god, why am I doing this to myself? Actually, why is he doing this at all? This whole thing…I mean, he didn't jump off the second he felt me. He's just laying on me, feeling my body, caressing me.

Shit, he does care about me. He has to. I look into his eyes and see pain there, almost like it's reflected from my soul into those brown orbs.

"Renji," he says my name again, and rests his head on my chest.

I wrap my arms around him. "Don't give up, Ichigo," I said. "This is more than you've been able to do before. That has to mean that you're coming back. Please come back to me."

"Renji, I'm trying," he says, almost like he can hear me, but I know he can't.


	2. Cold

**Cold**

**

* * *

**

I've had this annoying lingering cold. Captain Kuchiki says it's because I spend too much time in the land of the living, but he's just bullshitting. As far as I know, I can't get anything from a human. I suppose if I was stupid and hung out in the cold and rain all night or something it might make me sick but it's not like breathing the smoggy air or just standing next to a sick human is going to do anything, which is how Captain Kuchiki makes it seem. I think he's just trying to make me not visit anymore. He's the one who offered to let me use the Kuchiki family senkaimon whenever I wanted and I'm not letting him take it back just because he's getting antsy. It's my free time and I can do whatever I want with it. It's not like I'm neglecting my duties in any way.

Still, I didn't travel because I was sick and then I had a bunch of new recruits to train, so it was awhile until I got back to Ichigo. It probably had only been a month since that time I had held him, but that month felt like the longest month I'd ever been through. I knew now that he had feelings for me, that if I could make him see me maybe we could work something out, some sort of long distance relationship. As it is now, not only can he not see me, but even when he has free time he couldn't come and visit and stay with me in the Soul Society like he used to.

So, dumb me hoped for the best and stood right in the middle of the sidewalk so that Ichigo couldn't pass me. School had just gotten out and he was with his gang of friends.

He plowed right into me, falling backward. I reached forward to catch him but Chad got to him first.

"Wha…?" Ichigo asked.

"For a lieutenant you sure are an idiot, although I suppose I should expect that of a shinigami," Uryu said, adjusting his glasses while gazing at me.

"Are you ok, Ichigo?" Orihime fussed over Ichigo.

"Who is it?" Ichigo asked. It was a simple question, but it really stung.

"It's Renji Abarai," Uryu explained.

"Renji?" Ichigo looked vaguely in my direction.

"What's wrong Renji, are you sick? You don't look good!" Orihime said.

"What?" Ichigo asked worriedly. "Is he ok?"

"I'm fine," I replied quietly. "Tell him it's just a cold or he's gonna think I'm dying or something."

"He says it's just a cold, Ichigo," Orihime relayed to him.

I'm not really sure how the rest of the conversation went. It was painfully awkward for me and for Ichigo. I really wanted it to end, but I didn't want to just abandon Ichigo without saying something to him…I mean, not that he could hear me, but maybe I could give him a hug or something and let him know it was ok. I didn't really think I should do it in front of his friends though and they didn't show any signs of leaving. I eventually sighed and made my good-byes.

"He's going now," Chad told Ichigo.

"Oh," Ichigo said, once again looking blankly in the direction he assumed I was in. Heh, he was looking too high. He's forgotten that he's grown a little over the last couple of years. "Uh, catch you later, Renji. Feel better," he offered, sounding a little forlorn.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Uryu asked me.

"Um, sure."

He pulled me to the side as the rest walked on. "Maybe you should stop coming by. It just seems to make Ichigo depressed. If he wasn't reminded by his lost powers all the time then maybe things would be easier on him."

Honestly, I could see his point. That didn't mean it didn't piss me off. "You think that you running off and killing hollows every day doesn't remind of that? You think that all of you having these battles and leaving him alone on weekends and nights doesn't remind him at all of what he's lost? Huh?" I said angrily.

"He says he doesn't care. He says that he always wanted to be normal," Uryu said.

"Maybe, but it's too late for that. If you've never had sugar then you can't crave it, but once you've had it that memory it is with you forever. If he was born without powers, maybe he would have been happier, but he can't feign ignorance of what's going on around him when he knows the truth!" I replied.

"He's trying to lead a typical human life and you coming all the time prevents that! I'm not sure why you seem determined to torture him, but if you're his friend you'll leave him alone like Rukia and the others have," Uryu said, getting angry himself.

"NO!" I yelled at him. "Even if it takes the rest of his life, I'm coming until he gets his powers back!"

Uryu seemed shocked by my outburst. He paused. "I didn't know you felt so strongly about it."

"Like you care," I said, storming off. I shivered as the chilled wind whipped by me. It's so damn cold.

* * *

Instead of going back home, where I knew that Captain Kuchiki was going to lecture me anyways, I went to visit with Kisuke Urahara.

"Er, hi, Kisuke," I said awkwardly.

"Oh, so this isn't just a polite visit then?" Kisuke asked right off the bat.

"What? What makes you say that?"

"You hate asking for favors and you definitely have that look about you," Kisuke said, hiding behind his fan so I couldn't tell if he was laughing at me or being serious.

"Yeah actually," I admitted. "I was wondering if you had saved something I left behind from when I stayed here."

* * *

Now, you might wonder why I hadn't tried this before, and well the reason is that's its actually pretty illegal. At least, it's illegal to have one made without authorization. If you just happen to have one laying around then it's fine. Well, that was the premise I was working as my excuse, assuming that word got out about what I was doing.

I knocked on Ichigo's door.

I was lucky enough to have Ichigo himself pull it open.

He stood there, his mouth falling open slightly.

"Hi, Ichigo," I said with a smile.

"Renji," he said so quietly I almost couldn't hear him. He took a step forward and placed his hand on my shoulder. "It's a gigai?" He asked, looking at my body.

"Yeah, my old one. Kisuke still had it hanging around. It took a little doing to get it, because he was ordered to destroy it and I guess he's been doing experiments on it that aren't exactly legal, but in the end he relented," I answered.

"Great, it's the big guy again," Karin said from inside, rolling her eyes.

"What?" Ichigo asked.

"I swear he practically lives here," Karin told him. "What a creep."

Ichigo turned back towards me. I guess she's never mentioned it to him before. "You come by a lot?" he asked.

"As often as I can," I answered honestly.

There's a lot I want to say now that he can hear me, at least for awhile, but somehow it's harder than I thought it would be. Maybe I just want to enjoy what I have for now, maybe I'm a coward, or maybe it's the sharp ears of his sister who's hanging out in the hall, but all of sudden I'm tongue tied.

"You should probably come in," Ichigo said.

"Oh yeah," I walked into Ichigo's house, shivering from the cold, my nose running.

"Orihime was right, you don't look too good," said Ichigo as he took a look at me. "Why don't you go upstairs and lay down and I'll make us some tea?"

I went to Ichigo's room and plopped down on his bed. It seems so uncomfortable in my gigai. Gigai are never full replacements for our bodies in the first place and having one as old as this one wasn't helping things. I don't know a lot about how they're produced, but they usually have about six months of use max. I know that I used it heavily before the war, and then it was just sitting around. Or actually, not sitting around, but getting who knows what done to it by Kisuke Urahara. I suppose I should be freaked out by that, but the guy is such a freak anyways that I think I've grown completely immune to him after having to live with him so long. Considering how nosey he is and how he secretly records everything, I doubt there's anything I was keeping private. It's not like I'm a secretive person anyways.

I rubbed at my arms, wondering why they were so sore. Stupid gigai. Or stupid Urahara. Either way.

Ichigo came in with the tea after what seemed like an age. I was good. I let him put the tea stray down on his desk before I wrapped my arms around him. He didn't gasp or jump, just sunk into my embrace, sighing.

We stood that way for a long time.

"It doesn't feel the same," Ichigo said from my arms.

"What?"

"It doesn't feel the same as when…," Ichigo blushed adorably as he paused. "Um, as when you…held me last time," he got out.

"Not for me either," I told him. "But, at least you can hear my voice this time, Ichigo."

"Yeah," he said, looking up at me. "Hey, I got taller," he said, finally noticing the smaller gap between our height. "Well, I mean, I knew I got taller but now it's a little easier to…to do this…" he said, leaning up and kissing me gently on the lips.

I just stood there and let him, not wanting to scare him off by overreacting and tossing him onto the bed and smothering his entire body with smoldering kisses (which is what I was highly inclined to do).

"You know," he said. "I've never kissed anyone before."

"What? I know you're pretty young but still, I'm sure most of the kids at your school have done a lot more than that by your age," I replied.

"Well, I've kind of been waiting."

Waiting. Like I've been waiting. I wondered how much sweeter his lips would taste if I were to have all of my senses, instead of being limited by this gigai.

I did give in a little. I pulled him onto the bed and held him. We just laid there and talked for a long time, before the pain began to get to be too much. He noticed it was getting harder for me to speak.

"Don't worry, it's just because I'm a little sick," I lied to him. "Next time it will be better." Only if I get a new gigai, I thought to myself. Captain Kuchiki won't approve one for me, and Rukia's sentence for getting an unauthorized one from Kisuke was…well ok, that was Aizen's work, but still, it would definitely be against the law. I wondered what I could bribe Kisuke with, and whether he'd blackmail me or not.

"It's not really a solution, is it?" Ichigo asked.

I didn't answer.

"When I saw you at the door, for a moment I thought it would be fine, but it's still going to be hard."

"Oh don't be so down!" I said cheerily. "I mean, you were friends with Rukia only having a gigai for months! Sure we won't see each other that often but…" I stopped as the grimness of the situation hit me with full force. "Actually, you know what…if you…I mean, I really shouldn't be doing this to you."

"What?" Ichigo asked.

"I should just leave you alone."

"Is that what Uryu told you this afternoon?" Ichigo said with anger. "Don't you dare not come back! I can't…I can't come after you so you'd better not leave me!"

I saw the pain in his eyes and wondered if this had been a good idea after all. I should have just started seeing him less and less and then faded away. Now I've just made the inevitable more drawn out, more painful for both of us. "Ichigo," I said, burying my face into his hair.

"Renji, it's hard enough to not have everything else; I can't not have you too," Ichigo said. "I don't miss being some weird super human that everyone relied on, or being some part demon thing that people feared, or being threatened with death every other day, but I miss you, I miss Rukia, I miss…" he trailed off, his eyes closed.

"We all miss you too," I told him. My earlier words to Uryu came back to mind. Was I really that willing to quit, even after promising the opposite just a couple of hours ago? "I'll never leave you, I'll never give up on you," I told him.

"Thanks," Ichigo replied.

At the door, I pulled him outside for another brief kiss. Brief because I wasn't sure that I could leave after a longer one. "I know it's hard not knowing when I'll be back, but I promise to come as soon as I can. Captain Kuchiki isn't really thrilled with my trips so it might be a little while, but don't think just because some time has gone by that I'm not thinking about you," I told him.

"I'm going off to college soon," he told me.

"What?"

"Well, I just mean that if you come back that much later I might not be here," he said.

"Don't worry, I'll find you no matter where you are. Plus, I can always just beat up your dofus dad and make him tell me," I said.

"I'M NOT A…" Isshin roared from behind the bushes, where I had spotted him a second ago.

"DAD!" Ichigo yelled at the top of his lungs.


	3. The Other Side

**The Other Side**

_A/N: Switching to Ichigo's perspective for this chapter_

_

* * *

_

"Ichigo," I heard a voice call my name. I was floating in darkness. "Ichigo…" I tried to find it, but it was hard to tell where it was coming from in the vast emptiness. "Ichigo…" this time it was immediately behind me. I began to turn but was held in place, hands over my eyes. "Guess who?" came a voice in my ear.

"Shit…" I said.

"Now is that really the way to greet an old friend?"

"Shiro…" I groaned. I was in so much trouble now.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna do anything to ya," Shiro whispered into my ear, removing his hands from me.

I jumped away and turned to face him. He was smirking at me.

"How can I see you?" I asked.

"Do I look like a damn shinigami to you?" Shiro said with a high pitched laugh. "Did anyone else say that you lost…your hollow powers?"

Shit…not good. Does that mean…does that mean I'm completely defenseless against him? Didn't he say that the King has to be master of his Horse? I can't even fight him at all, much less defeat him. If he attacks me, if he tries to take over…

"Running, running, the wheels are spinning," Shiro laughed at me.

I glared at him, but he was already gone.

"You can't even follow me with your eyes," Shiro said from behind me again. "I'm too fast for you to even watch, much less…defend…"

I automatically blocked myself for an attack, instead just getting Shiro's face close to mine, peering into my eyes.

"What do you want, King?" he asked.

"For you to go away!" I yelled at him.

"Naw, that's not what I meant. You want something else, something I can help you with."

"I don't need your help with anything!"

"What about your big shinigami friend?" Shiro said quietly with intensity in his voice. "What about Renji?"

"Go away," I told him, turning my back to him.

"Haha, you don't have the…authority…to make me go anymore," Shiro replied with a smile, having moved in front of me again, appearing like magic since I could no longer see his quicker movements. "You should listen to me though, because what I'm offering no one else can give you."

"There's nothing you have that I want."

"You're not listening," he said, waving a taunting finger in front of me before laying it gently on my lips. "I can make it so you can see Renji Abarai."

I blinked at that. I immediately regretted it because Shiro's laughter filled my ears.

"Not interested," I said, gritting my teeth and trying to not shiver at the sound, turning my face away from his psychotic smile.

"Oh, but you are," he insisted. "You don't expect Renji to wait your whole life for you, do you? Do you expect him to never want to be embraced, to never be kissed, to never be intimate with anyone…for what? 60 years? 70? And then what? Do you expect him to find you when you've passed over? You wouldn't remember him. You wouldn't even know your name. Anything you two had would be as dead as your human body."

I was standing as still as possible, trying to ignore him, but his words echoed of their own accord, over and over in my mind.

"All you have to do is ask," Shiro whispered, just like I imagine the snake in the Garden of Eden whispered to Eve. "Just one or two words and I'll know what you want, and I'll give it you to you."

"What do you want?" I asked, instantly cursing myself for asking. It showed that I was thinking about it. I didn't want to even consider it, but here I was…

"I just want a little play time," Shiro said. "It's awfully lonely in here now, and it's not like you ever do anything fun anymore."

"What do you want?" I asked again. I needed to know exactly what I'd be getting myself into.

"I want your body," Shiro said quietly. "Just for a little while. And I want to share with you…I have to really for this to work. I'll be with you, and then you can see him."

"You can't have my body," I replied quickly.

"Just to share, just to share," Shiro said. "There's no real point of me taking you over now that you're so weak anyways."

I could tell he was lying, or at least I assume he was lying. The words still sounded sweet to my ears though. Damn it, no! Don't even consider it!

"Go…GO AWAY!" I yelled. Suddenly I was back in my room, screaming at the ceiling. A minute later there was a knock on my door. It was Karin.

"Are you ok?" she asked, looking around.

"I'm fine," I said. "Just a dream."

"Ok," she said, leaving reluctantly. It's funny because ever since I lost my powers she watches over me, like she's the big sister and I'm the little brother. I don't really mind it, but it's just seems…ok, I do mind. I know that I can't protect her anymore. I don't like her having to check in on me, having to worry about me this way.

* * *

About a month later, a couple of weeks before I graduated, I woke up for no reason. I was staring at my closet, wondering what had woken me up.

_He's here_, a soft voice came from inside my head.

Shut up Shiro…wait…he's here? Renji? Is he really? I scanned the room, but couldn't see anything.

_Just ask,_ Shiro said.

I…

I felt something. Something that was too intangible to guess at. I believe it, I believe Renji is here. What now?

_Don't you miss what he feels like? What's his spiritual pressure feels like? It's like a taste, a smell, like a sixth sense that you can't even describe to someone who has never felt it, _Shiro whispered in my mind.

Just once. Just once won't be a problem…

_You won't regret it_, Shiro replied.

Then I could see him, sitting at my desk, looking me over forlornly. His eyes met mine.

"Ichigo?" he asked.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"ICHIGO!" he practically roared, jumping off my chair and into my bed. He gathered me into his arms. "Oh, Ichigo," he said, his head buried into my shoulder.

I was trembling. I had forgotten how all of this feels. How spiritual pressure feels. How warm Renji feels.

Renji was still speaking, lapsing into nonsense. I pushed him away from me slightly; I wanted to see his face. His eyes were gleaming. It almost looked like tears, but I didn't say that because he'd probably get mad and hit me and I'd rather not ruin the moment. Instead I leaned forward. I heard him catch his breath and then felt his arms tightening around me, pulling me into his chest. We kissed. It was tender at first but then became seering. Renji's mouth opened mine and I could feel the tip of his tongue dip in and out of my lips. I moaned and sunk into him more, inviting him in for more and more and please don't stop Renji.

In theory, having someone's tongue inside your mouth always sounded kind of gross. In practice, it was like a jump start to my entire system, like electricity that poured into me making the rest of my body alive. I was craving him so badly. I was more or less an adult now and had never been touched because I was waiting for him, and now that he was touching me, I wanted it all.

I pushed myself backwards, taking him with him, enjoying the feeling of his weight on me. I gasped when I felt his hardening cock pressed into my hip, automatically bucking up into him with my own erection at the feel. His hands were everywhere. I was so glad that I had only worn a pair of gym shorts to sleep in, because the feeling of his hands on my bare back drove me crazy.

We were like that for awhile, just making out and grinding into each other, kissing frantically. I wanted to touch him like he was touching me, so I started untying his obi, letting his kimono fly open, rubbing my hands across his hard chest and back. He was making the most enticing sounds, groaning and moaning, reacting to everything I was doing. But then he pulled back. Gasping he separated himself from me, pushing himself up on his arms and looking down at me.

"Too…too fast…" he said through his pants.

"No," I insisted. God no, please don't keep anything from me Renji. Not now. Who knows how long this will last. This might be the only time I ever get to do this with you.

It struck me then that he probably thought that I had my powers back. He probably assumed everything was going to be fine now. Shit…shit…I hadn't even thought about it. He's going to want to come over all the time, he's going to want me to visit him, and he's damn well going to expect me to be able to see him.

What have I done? Why did I give in? I can't tell him…he looks so happy, that cracked sound in his voice when he called my name for the first time…I can't say anything. I won't ruin his joy. I'll have to eventually, but not now.

For now, I would entice him. For now, I wouldn't let him draw away. He's a passionate person, always has been. I know I have the upper hand here. I might not have done anything, but it's been awfully lonely and I've definitely imagined myself doing a thousand things to Renji. I ran my finger across his lips, happy to see his eyes glaze over as I played with them gently.

"Renji," I whispered.

He was breathing heavily.

"Renji, don't pull away," I told him, trying to look as lust filled as I felt.

"Fuck," he said, watching my face, his eyes drawn to my lips. I gnawed on them, biting my swollen lower lip before licking them slowly.

"Renji…"

He was on me again, gently kissing me this time. It was no less passionate though. It was deeper, slower, and it completely melted me. My hands wrapped around his back, pulling him back towards me. He lowered himself down again, fully pressing into my body, his thighs on mine, his chest flush with mine, and of course his clothed erection throbbing against my hip. I moved so that we touched, so that our covered cocks rubbed against each other, and he growled loudly at me.

"At least…" I whispered. "At least like this?" I asked.

In response he thrust his hips, and I groaned with the intensity of the feeling, loving the delicious friction. Our bodies were molten now, hot and sweaty. I kissed at his neck as he moved. The fabric of my shorts rubbed against me, almost painful but still such a sweet feeling. I wanted him so bad, but I knew that he wouldn't give it all to me right away.

_You're gonna give in,_ Shiro whispered in my head. _You're gonna let me do this a lot more often than you want. Or…are you really going to break Renji's heart?_

It won't be that way, I tried to tell myself.

_You at least want to have sex with him, don't you? At least have one moment, one night where you two fully enjoy each other's bodies?_

Yes. The answer came automatically, without me even processing it. Wait! I mean…

_No, you will,_ Shiro laughed. _You're mine now…_

I couldn't concentrate, Renji was moving along me. His hand was going down…oh my god, his hand was on my cock. My gym short were pulled down and I was straining as he moved his hand in long strokes. I pushed up into him, not able to do anything other than just feel.

"Renji…" I cried out softly. I wanted to scream, but even now I was mindfully of my sister. She had already come in once, what if she came in again and saw…I couldn't think, couldn't even be worried about them. It was too good. "R…Renji…oh god…Renji…" I wondered if I sounded whiny to him, if I sounded like the virgin that I was. The look in his eyes said different. The look in his eyes said that he wanted to devour me and that there was only a shred of self restraint holding him back. Even though I wasn't touching him anymore, he was breathing as heavily as I was.

When I came it was wonderful. When you touch yourself you imagine that it feels good, and it does, but nothing compares…even with someone else I think…nothing would compare to Renji. I only wanted him. I knew that I wasn't going to find anyone else like him in the world of the living, I knew that there was only one Renji Abarai and that I needed him. I'm not even sure why, but he's the only one I've ever truly lusted after, that I've truly fantasized over. Anyone else was just a distraction.

"Renji," I said as we snuggled up together. "Renji, I love you."

I wondered if he would assume that it was just post orgasm bliss talking, but it wasn't. I've said it to him a thousand times in my head. I wondered if this would be the only time I'd get to tell him.

It wouldn't be. I knew that Shiro was right.

"Ichigo, I love you too," Renji breathed into my ear.

It sounded so wonderful. There was no way I could give this up. He loved me. I guess I had assumed that he did, or guessed that he might, but hearing it was…magical.

"I'm so glad that you're back," he continued.

I winced. I was glad that he couldn't see my face in the darkness of my room, because he would have been able to read the guilt on it instantly.

* * *

_A/N: If you want, stop by my profile and take the poll. I'm trying to figure out what story to work on next!_


	4. Fantasies

**Fantasies**

**

* * *

**

Ichigo turned towards me for a second and I raised my arm and gave a shout. He didn't hear me, or maybe didn't see me, and turned around. A couple of years ago I would have shrugged it off, but now it's almost like I have phobia about it or something. I freaked out and rushed over to him. Shit, he could still see me, right? Oh no, Ichigo, please…

His hands were over his head for a second, covering his eyes, and then he turned quickly.

"Renji," he said, as if out of breath.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"Ha ha," he laughed awkwardly. "Sorry about that!"

It was kind of weird, but I was just happy to be seeing him again. It had been two weeks. It turns out that I suck at long distance relationships. On the plus side, I finally just got so moody that my captain actually relented and gave me the afternoon off to go and visit Ichigo. He told me it was for something else, I forget…oh yeah, to deliver an order to Urahara's Shop. It was something that I could have done over the phone though, so I know he sent me in as a special treat. My captain really is a warm and fuzzy guy secretly, but you better not mention it or he instantly get all frigid again. Personally I think he's been loosening up because he has a girlfriend…or a boyfriend. I mean, he was married before, but I've seen plenty of guys eyeballing him. I haven't prodded around because he's been nice to me and he's kind of the secret keeping type. I leave him alone and he gives me time to be with Ichigo, sounds like a pretty amazing deal to me!

Ichigo was still talking to me but I got distracted by his lips. They were all torn up again. No surprise really; he has this super oral fetish. He's constantly biting his lips, or chewing on pencils or chomping on a piece of toast. Mmmm…oral fetish…shit, he's still talking, pay attention.

"Um…," I said intelligently.

"So did you hear anything I said?" Ichigo asked me.

"Er…sorry, I got distracted," I made a split second decision and pushed him down the hallway.

"What…I have class in like two minutes," Ichigo told me.

"You're missing it," I informed him, finally finding an unlocked door and shoving him in. "Great, this is even better than I hoped," I said, looking around at the small room we found ourselves in.

"What were you expecting?"

"A janitor's closet. This is more like a storage room. More room to work with," I said with a wide smile.

I saw his eyes get big. "We can't do anything here!"

There was a desk behind him, one of those that they used at his school with the chair attached. I pushed him backward into it. "I know you have to have a dirty mind," I whispered into his ear. "All those years as a virgin, you have to have quiet a lot of fantasies."

"Renji…"

"Tell me one of them," I said.

He gulped and reddened. Shit, he was actually going to do it. I found myself getting even more excited. I'm such a bad influence on him, here he should be learning and all I can think of are different ways I can get in his pants.

"No one can see you," Ichigo said quietly.

"What?"

"I mean, I'm in class, and no one can see you, not even people I know can normally see you. You're bothering me," Ichigo starts to explain his fantasy to me. I get on my knees in front of him and start rubbing at his thighs. He gasps. "I'm trying to tell you to shut up and stop annoying me, but you keep…"

I rested my hand near his half erect penis, kneading around it. His breathing is increasing. I take it farther and start unzipping his school pants.

"Renji…don't…people will see…" he breathed.

I smiled to myself, happy he was getting into the game. I placed my mouth over his cotton boxers, mouthing his erection through the fabric. He's gasping, squirming in his seat.

"You better be quiet or they'll hear," I told him from under his desk. He whined.

This was going to be so much fun, I thought, finally pulling him out of his pants.

"Oh god," he cursed, leaning onto of his desk hard, almost as if to get away from me even though I know that's the last thing he wants. I hold him down with the heels of my palms and start kissing at the tip of his penis. "Renji…" he moans, his eyes closed.

I am so very happy I got away from the office.

I continue to work on him, lavishing both his penis and balls with attention, knowing he's never gotten anything like this before. I tease him to the absolute fullest. He's moaning so loud that there is no way he wouldn't have been caught if we were really out in the open. Hell, he was so loud that I wondered if we get caught even behind doors. I enveloped him with my mouth, striking a quick rhythm with my hands as well.

"Renji…Renji…I can't hold on…REN…RENJI!" oh do I love how loud he is. I'm going to have to get us some place far away from his family for our first time going all the way. He comes in my mouth and I hold on to him as his pours himself out in spurts. It's been a long time since I've done anything like that. I know some people don't like it, they don't like the taste. If it's back there enough it's not that much of a problem. I used to freak out about the texture, but now all it does it reminds my brain "sex sex sex!" so I have to admit I kind of love it. In fact, as I'm swallowing him, I'm imaging how he's going to look like under me, spewing his seed all over his chest. Mmm…not like I'm not hard enough already.

I pull myself up, getting a good look at Ichigo, leaned back in his chair. His spent penis is still hanging out and he had a flush across his face, breathing hard, some of his hair stuck to his forehead. I have to restrain myself from bending him over the desk right then and there.

"Any other fantasies?" I ask him instead.

"Yeah," he finally gets out. I'm all ears.

He gets up onto his feet, somewhat unsteadily. I laugh at him and he glares at me. I hope he doesn't know how much I love when he pouts and glares and squints at me, because then he might get self conscious and stop doing it.

"We're training," he tells me, explaining the scenario of his fantasy to me. "We make a bet, and I lose."

"Yeah?"

"The bet was that you could make me do anything you wanted to if you won."

"Anything?" my ears perk up at that.

"Anything, you big pervert," he says with a half smile.

"Hmmm," I consider, pulling him to me for a kiss.

"You tell me," Ichigo whispers into my ear, "to get down on my knees…"

I'm busting out of my hakama at this point. Seriously, my penis is feeling completely neglected and is this close to taking matters into it's own hands and leaping on Ichigo. "Fuck…" I say.

"Say it," he tells me. I think I'm going to enjoy our sex life.

"Get on your knees, Ichigo," I tell him.

He's hesitating, or pretend hesitating I guess.

"You're not backing out are you? Not wussing out?" I told him.

"Am not!" he insists.

"If you can't take a bet, then don't take…" I gasped because he on his knees on front of me, untying my hakama and massaging at my bulge at the same time. I almost tell him to warn me next time, but I don't, because hey, I like surprises.

He pauses at my fundoshi, I guess wondering whether to just move them to the side or take it off. I opt for off and shimmy out of them quickly. He's still on his knees, eyeballing my crotch like it's a steak. I can see his expression. I'm craning to see all of his face because it's just too great a thing to miss. He's practically drooling at me, but looks nervous too. I almost tell him he doesn't have to do this because of how anxious he seems but I know that's not what he wants to hear so I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue again as he tentatively starts feeling the slit of the head of my penis with his tongue. I thank goodness for the wall behind me because I'm leaning on it with all of my weight, my eyes rolling back into my head and he begins to slowly put me into his mouth.

"Yes," I encourage him, not that he needs it, because he's mocking the motions I did earlier. Now I'm worried that I went overboard with teasing him when I was giving him oral because I'm this close to begging him to just fucking do me already. Who's supposed to be the virgin here? I'm the one who's supposed to be all cocky and he's supposed to be the one that's practically a mass of emotions and sensations.

If he's this amazing on his first try, I can't even begin to imagine what his twentieth try is going to be like. I can't hurry him either. I want him to go faster but he's busy exploring, mind you, exploring my fucking cock with his mouth so I'm about to explode but he's still…don't beg him Renji…just suck it up…I laugh at my choice of words. Finally, he's moving…I almost embarrass myself by realizing how quick I'm going to come at this point. But that's a good thing, I'd hate to tire him out or give him lock jaw on his first time and make him not like it. Far be it! "Ichigo, I'm going to come," I warned him with what I'm going to call a very manly sounding whine. "Ichigo…oh god…Ichigo!" I said, finally getting my release. I wondered if I should give him any pointers on how to get all the stuff down without dribbling, but turns out I don't need to. He obviously doesn't have any my preconceived worries when I first started doing this stuff, because he's lapping at me like he's a cat getting his cream. Is there nothing he does that it's the sexiest thing I've ever seen?

We're both collapsed, holding onto each other.

"Wanna come over for the weekend?" he asks, his voice different, high pitched for a second as he's looking away at the wall.

"Ichigo?" I ask.

"Damn it," Ichigo replies, which is worrisome.

"Ichigo, you ok?"

"I'm…I'm fine," he says, looking over at me. Is there pain in his eyes? Is he really ok? "My family is going away camping for the three day holiday this weekend," he said. "I was going to go with them but I can conveniently have a lot of homework to do."

"How long?" I asked, thinking about what days I needed to ask off.

"Well," he whispered into my ear. "You can have me Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Monday morning and afternoon."

"Mmm, you think you can handle all of that," I asked him, my mind going in a thousand directions.

"Oh yeah," he says.

I did say that I wanted him far away from his family for his first time, didn't I? Mm, and already. I mean, I was willing to wait, but not waiting was fine by me for sure. He's been waiting for this just as long as I have, I remembered.

"You're not getting sick or anything, are you?" I asked him, wondering about the weird episodes he'd been having.

"No, why?" Ichigo asked, looking away.

Something wasn't right, but if he wasn't going to tell me then there was nothing for it. If he was sick I could just take care of him all weekend. I'd have fun doing that too. Snuggled up warm in bed…naked of course…I wasn't going to give up the naked part.

"You better get back to school, young'in," I joked to him.

"I love you, Renji," he said, looking into my eyes. "You know I'd do almost anything to be with you."

I smiled back at him. "I'm not going anywhere. Well, right now I am, before Captain Kuchiki hands me my ass, but I'll be here whenever you need me," I assured him. A ghost of a shudder went through him and I grabbed him. "Ichigo?"

"Nothing, it's fine. I know you'll be there for me, Renji. You were there even when I couldn't see you," he said, smiling at me. A real smile, not those constant smirks he throws around.

"I love you too, kid," I told him. "Hey, so when do you think you're going to be able to get your spiritual body back?" I asked him. I regretted it instantly because of the worry on his face. "No rush!" I assured him. "I'm sure it'll get better in time, just like seeing and sensing spiritual pressure did."

For some reason that didn't seem to comfort him.


	5. Weekend

**Weekend**

**

* * *

**

I have to admit that I was excited for the upcoming weekend in a way that made it hard for me to concentrate at work. Captain Kuchiki asked me where my mind was in exasperation but I didn't answer. I don't think, "I'm thinking about how I'm going to be having lots of sex with Ichigo this weekend" would have gone over well. I had told Rukia that Ichigo could see us now and I know she's planning a trip to see him soon. I didn't dare mention anything to anyone on Squad 11 because I didn't want Kenpachi to start attacking Ichigo when he still couldn't defend himself. It's been unusual over the last few years for me to be so cheerful, everyone can feel it. I'm holding back a little though. Somehow I'm scared it's all going to be taken away from me.

I promised to make up the work I missed and got part of Friday and all of Monday off, so I could spent the whole three day weekend with Ichigo. I timed myself to arrive at his place about an hour or so after he would be home from school, and he greeted me at the door with a smile.

I didn't wait for anything, just kissed him passionately. I could feel his hands tightening around me and smiled into my kiss. "Miss me?" I asked.

"Shut up," he said, hitting me in the arm.

"I missed you," I told him, nuzzling his neck.

"…such…a horndog…" he said, gasping as I continued to assault him, groping his ass.

"It's your fault," I told him. "Get out of my dreams and maybe I won't molest so much whenever I see you."

He laughed at that. "Upstairs?" he asked.

"Absolutely," I responded hungrily.

"You really are a horny bastard," Ichigo said, looking back at me with a small smile, his eye twinkling. Just to make things a little worse on me he took off his shirt as he was walking.

I really wanted to see him naked. It's not like I hadn't kind of seen him naked before, but I wanted to be able to openly ogle him without feeling bad about it. I wanted to just enjoy his body and let him know how I felt about it.

When I was in the academy I shared a room with Izuru Kira. Being in the advanced class meant most of our energy was spent on keeping up with our classes. We didn't have a lot of time for socializing or going after girls (or boys). Naturally that didn't mean that all of sudden we had no sexual appetite, so we got together sometimes just to blow off steam. We never got serious, which is why we could still be good friends afterwards. Shuuhei and I had gotten together a couple of drunken (and then not so drunken) nights too, but nothing serious.

I bring them up because the two of them were probably the best sexual experiences I'd ever had. I guess that's kind of sad because I wasn't in a romantic relationship with either of them, but maybe it does speak to me having weird obsessions with sex and my friends. Regardless, Ichigo's body was the perfect combination of the two, I always thought. He was smaller than me, both in stature and bone structure, like Kira was. He had strong musculature though, like Shuuhei had, all tight and filled out in exactly the right places, but thinner than Shuuhei was.

When he went into his room I didn't follow him right away. I figured if he could tease me, then I could tease him. I stripped quickly before appearing in his doorway, enjoying the reaction I got from him. I swear that boy is a balm to my ego. The way he was looking at me made me feel like a god. His eyes were wide and his mouth was open slightly as he looked me over.

"Come here," he said quietly, reaching out for me. I complied. He started tracing my tattoos with his fingers, mapping my body with the palm of his hands. I shivered as he felt me. I growled at he started getting lower.

"I want to see you," I told him. He nodded and undressed himself, exposing that peach skin of his. You think someone with hair like ours would be pale and white, but both of us have unusual skin tones. I prefer his lighter coloring to my darker tan skin. He looked edible, fresh. I could clearly see traces of red across his upper chest and neck, flushed from feeling me. I loved it. I wanted to memorize all those faint scars on his body, some from past battles, some probably from me. Luckily he was a good healer, not to mention he had Orihime, so his body was mostly untouched, soft, glowing with innocent youth. He really was young, but I tried to not dwell on that. We were equals on the battlefield after all, or at least rivals. He wasn't a kid, even if he was young in years.

I took him into my arms and kissed him, happy to taste him and to feel his naked body pressed against mine for the first time. "I was just kind of kidding around," I told him. "We don't have to do this right away." I meant it; I wasn't there to push him in to anything.

"No, I want to," he said, his hands resting in the small of my back.

It's funny that at times like these, when I wish I could remember all the details, sometimes things just blur. I don't remember talking him through anything, but I suppose I did. I had brought some lube with me and had used that. I just remember all of sudden having my fingers inside of him and how wonderful it felt. I had asked him how he wanted to do it and he wanted to be on his back looking up at me the first time. So I had stacked some pillows and was working on him, but I don't honestly remember the movements. I remember all the emotions. I was concerned about getting him to relax after I put the second finger in. I was breathing heavily because the sight of his ass up in the air like that, just waiting for me was almost more than I could take.

"Just one more finger, ok, Ichigo?" I asked him.

"I'm alright," he assured me.

I pressed in, feeling him squirm around me slightly. I began to move in and out, to get him used to it. He began to move slightly with me, thrusting back onto my hand, causing me to gasp. I moved around until I brushed up against his prostate, enjoying how he bucked up feeling it.

"Oh…Renji!" he cried out. "Renji that was…" I did it again, and again, hitting it with my thrusts. "Please Renji!" he was begging me.

I knew what he wanted. It was what I wanted too. I coated my hard length with some more lube and lined myself up, pressing in with a steady movement, hopefully not too slow or too fast.

"Damn it, Renji…" Ichigo cursed at me. I had to laugh. His anger distracted me from the tightness I was feeling.

"What's wrong babe, can't handle me?" I asked jokingly.

"As if. You'd have to be a lot…ug," he groaned in discomfort, "…a lot bigger than that pencil dick to hurt me."

"Pencil dick, huh?" I laughed, easing into him further.

"Fuck you, Renji!" he cursed.

"God, I love you," I said, leaning forward into a kiss. "I told you it hurts less the other way."

"I want to see you. I've waited a long time to see you like this," he said. "Hovering over me, biting your lip like that. Wanting me."

"Mmm," he was turning me on even more. "I hope you're ready soon," I told him. "Because I don't know how long I can restrain myself."

"Just do it already, you big baby," Ichigo joked.

"If you insist," I said, moving forward and then back.

"Ahh," I heard him groan.

"You ok?"

"I'm fine," Ichigo insisted.

I began to move in a rhythm, trying to go easy on Ichigo because I didn't want to completely pummel him. I needed him in commission for some fun later too. I was going to be relying on that super fast healing of his because I was planning on doing lots and lots this weekend. He was enjoying himself, but I knew that I wasn't…I adjusted my angle and he writhed around under me.

"RENJI!" he yelled.

Yeah, that's what I was looking for. I kept at the angle, brushing up his prostate with every inward thrust, going deep into him. I was trying to keep my composure but I was losing it. He was so tight and so hot, the noises he was making were so heavenly, and the way he kept calling my name was better than it was in my fantasies. I guess I'm kind of a pervert for having touched myself so often to him, and having so many wet dreams about him, but it didn't take away from the real him at all. I could never have imagined how fantastic it really was. Every other experience was just sex, but sex with Ichigo was different because I just enjoyed the closeness I was feeling to him. I felt connected to him more then physically.

"I've wanted you for so damn long," I moaned as I moved within him. "I've waited for you it seems like forever."

"Renji…Renji, I want you," Ichigo said. "It seems like I've always wanted you."

We were at out peaks, it was too much for us and we were overridden with pleasure. I was getting to my end so I reached out and grabbed onto him, moving my hands along his shaft and head along with my thrusts. I felt him begin to stiffen, heard him call out and his hands grasp at me. I was expecting it but it still felt so wonderful having him tighten around me, to thrust a couple more times into that moist hot cavern before finally coming myself.

We lay together, gasping for breath, not wanting to come back to earth yet. "Ichigo, I love you," I whispered into his ear.

"I love you too, Renji," he said.

When I pulled out we both groaned.

"Now I feel gross," Ichigo said, coming down from his high.

"Sorry," I told him with a goofy grin. "We can always take a shower together though."

"You jerk, I hurt everywhere!" he scolded me.

"Aw, just let me clean you off. I promise to be good," I lied.

* * *

One of the things I enjoyed that most about that night was just sleeping with him in my arms. I guess it sounds sappy, but it's something that I've always wanted. Whenever I'd see him sleeping before, I'd always wanted to cuddle around him, now I could. Luckily he was a cuddler too, and held on to me tightly all night. I tried to not sleep, wanting to just enjoy being with him, but he was too damn comfortable and I dozed off almost instantly. I woke up before him though, and stayed with him in bed until his eyes opened.

Once he woke up he was feeling frisky, which was fine by me, but not so ok with his body. He groaned with pain even as he rubbed up against me.

"Tell you what," I told him. "Why don't you give it a try?"

"What?" he asked.

"You seem a little too sore, but we're both wanting it. What kind of lover would I be if I didn't let you have all of the experiences I can offer you?"

"You…you'd let me…," Ichigo asked.

"Well I'm not going to be so open all the time, but anytime you want to just beat me over the head a little and promise me lots of sex and I'm sure we can work something out," I said, gnawing on his neck. I just wanted it, however it came. I needed him. Besides, I meant it. I wanted him to have every sexual experience he could with me, including him topping me. I wanted him to be mine in every possible way.

"O-ok," he said nervously. He picked up the lube from his night stand and slathered some on his fingers.

"You don't need _that_ much," I told him with a laugh.

"I just don't want to hurt you," Ichigo replied, turning slightly red.

I haven't bottomed for a long time, so I was probably almost just as tight as he had been. It took him some time to work it out, but he was fine. He was cute, gasping for air like he was the one being penetrated. Then again, I almost lost it the other day when I was in the same place he was at. "Enjoying the view?" I joked to him.

"You're…such…an asshole sometimes, Renji," he said.

"Odd choice of words," I told him with a smile.

He grinned at that, placing a third finger inside of me. I growled slightly at that but made myself relax.

"R-ready?" he asked me.

"A-ok," I responded, trying to twist so I could get a better view of his face. I wanted to see this. He bit his lip in concentration as he griped himself with one hand and held me open with the other, pressing in slowly. His eyes closed as he came into me, and he gasped.

"Oh my god, Renji," he said.

I would have made some sort of smart alec comment but I was kind of busy trying to breathe. He might be smaller than me in build but he was only slightly smaller that me where it counted and I was feeling it now. I almost, _almost_, felt bad for teasing him last night, but not really. After a couple of minutes I was good to go though, and signaled for him to move by pressing backward into him. I loved his reaction to that, a full blush across his face and a loud moan. "Now move," I told him. I didn't have to tell him twice.

At first he was almost erratic, but then he settled down. Once he got the hang of it he started looking like I had, finding my prostate. Like I said, I hadn't bottomed in a long time, I had forgotten how good it can be. I've never been super locked into roles in the bedroom, I'm an experimenter. Besides, Kira was a bottom, and Shuuhei was a top, why would I do anything for them that I wouldn't for Ichigo? I could see him grinning at the noises I was making. "Ah…Ichigo…YES…YES!" I've always been a loud one. At least I'm not a screamer. Or much of a screamer. "ICHIGO! Touch me Ichigo!" I begged him. He instantly reached out for me, bringing me to my climax quickly, following almost immediately afterward.

"So?" I asked him, as we cuddled.

"Fun, but I think I like it the other way," Ichigo said.

Good, I thought (but didn't say out loud). What? I'm fine enough with experimenting but I still know what I prefer.

* * *

I fell asleep again for awhile after I cleaned myself off. I made my way downstairs after waking from my nap. Ichigo had his head in his hands, sitting at the dining room table.

"Ichigo?" I asked. "Are you talking to yourself?"

"Renji…go away…" Ichigo said, panicked.

"Ichigo?" I asked. I reached for him. I was shocked when he shoved my hand away and quickly turned around.

"Please…Renji…," he said.

I was really worried. What had happened? Was his family ok? Was he upset because we'd had sex? Should I have waited?

All of sudden he turned around.

"I-Ichigo!" I said, shocked. "What's wrong with your eyes?"

He laughed, a high pitched laugh that sounded more than a little insane. Then he grabbed at his own face, almost tearing at it. He eyes returned to normal.

"Ichigo, what was that?" I asked worriedly.

"Oh god, Renji…" he said. "I thought I could handle it for a whole weekend, but I guess it's too much."

"Please, tell me what's wrong," I urged him.

"It's my inner hollow," he told me.

"Your what?" I knew that Ichigo had a mask that he used that looked a lot like a hollow. I had even seen his eyes change before, but I had never known… "It's not you when that happens?" I asked.

He looked at the ground, unable to meet my eyes.

"Please, explain it to me," I said, wrapping my arm around him.

He didn't answer.

"I'm not going to leave you until you tell me what's going on," I told him.

"And then…then you'll leave me? Will you, Renji?" Ichigo asked. The sound of pain in his voice was heartbreaking.

"That's not what I meant," I replied. "I'm staying with you. I just want to help."

"I can't see you, Renji," he said.

"What? Of course you can."

"No, I mean, I can only see you with his help."

Oh no. "Ichigo," I said, holding him close.


	6. All Alone Again

**All Alone Again**

**

* * *

**

_(Ichigo's POV)_

I'm all alone again, and I don't even know what to do. My family is there of course, sitting nearby where I could talk to them, but they don't know what I'm going through. Even if I wanted to tell them, I wouldn't want them to worry about me. There's nothing worse than people trying to cheer you up when they have no idea what they are talking about. I don't want my problems glossed over and I don't want pity. I just want to lay here in my bed and not think anything, not do anything, or if I do think about something, to get lost in my own ideas and then drift off harmlessly into sleep…and then to stay asleep as long as possible. I wish I didn't get hungry, because even eating is a pain. If my stomach and head didn't hurt from not eating, I would just go without. School is even on break so it's not like I can distract myself with that, and all my friends are out saving the world, or the town, or whatever. I try to get lost in my music, but I realize I've been listening to the same CD over and over again the last couple of days, all the words one jumble in my ear, the lyrics and music so repetitive at this point that it's just background music to my own thoughts that I'm trying to not think. I'm in a bad place. Renji knows it, but he can't be here with me right now. I know he would be if he could, but how would I even tell? Would it be worse, or better?

The CD starts over again and I don't even notice. I watch the shadows on my wall drift across to my ceiling and count the hours, wishing I didn't feel the minutes drip by me, slowly, like the tears I refuse to shed.

He told me I couldn't do it anymore, that I couldn't use my inner hollow to see him. He refused to see me like that. He stayed with me for the rest of that day but then left me alone. I know he's trying to do it for my own good, but it feels like a betrayal. It's not like I didn't know it was dangerous, it's not like I'm stupid and thought this was a permanent solution. Renji is scared for my soul though, afraid that he'll lose me forever to yellow on black eyes and insanity. I know I'm stronger than that, but it's something that I'm afraid of too. I can feel that he's stronger than he was, or I suppose it's just that I'm so much weaker. There's not much I can do about it though. Not much except to just lay here. Keeping your sanity is a boring and tedious job, but the alternative isn't something anyone wants.

Days pass, and I'm barely aware of it. School starts again, and it gets easier to waste time. People are talking about colleges, the future. I don't like to think about the future. Any future that I have away from Renji isn't going to be what I want any ways, and I just can't figure a way around it.

I think all of this is making him stronger too, making Shiro stronger. But what can I do? I can't change who I am and try to be happy go lucky. I can't pretend like I'm not now a gimp walking around blind to the dangers of the spiritual world, blind to my lover, blind to what was my responsibility, blind to what my sister faces and fights, blind to my past, blind to my future.

I can't really say I'm a good spot right now. But all things supposedly get better…or worse. At this point, I'd prefer either.

* * *

I was walking in the park when I felt it. It wasn't spiritual pressure, which I can't detect anymore, but something else that made me profoundly uneasy. I started to hurry and then I started to run as I felt panic for no reason. Then I felt a stabbing pain through my chest. I fell to the ground. I must have be unconscious because when I woke up Uryu was there, off in the distance. My sister was leaning over me. I could swear that she was crying, but she never cries anymore.

"Ichigo," she said, seeing me awake. She held onto me. In horror I saw her being pulled away by something. Uryu was shouting. My sister is yelling Renji's name. Renji? Is Renji here? He'll take care of them. He'll protect my family and friends. I wonder where my dad is but remember that he's out of town at a medical conference. My sister is tossed next to me, landing in a heap.

"Karin!" I ran to her, almost falling because of dizziness. She's out of it. I try to wake her up. Uryu is covered in blood, he's falling. What is happening? Why can't I see?

_ICHIGO!_ I hear my name being screamed, but it's coming from inside. _ICHIGO PLEASE LET ME HELP_, Shiro begs. No, I say to him, Renji is here, Renji can… _RENJI IS HURT, PLEASE LET ME HELP HIM!_ Shiro is yelling.

_Damn it, King_, Shiro says to me, pulling me inside his…our…my world. He's standing in front of me, Zangetsu already drawn. "Ichigo," he says to me, grabbing onto my shoulder. "I have to save Red, please let me take control!"

"I…I don't believe you," I said.

"Please…you have to know that you and I are practically the same, no matter how much you don't want to admit it. I don't want him to get hurt any more than you do!" He looked off, as if sensing something. "PLEASE, now! King, he's gonna die! Don't make me watch him die!" he begged me.

I was shocked. I saw true panic in those eyes of his. "You love him?" I asked.

"Didn't I just say that we're the same?" Shiro told me. "Let me take control, I can save him."

"Ok," I said. The second the words were out of my mouth I was alone. Alone in my sideways city, practically drowning in the rain. I felt myself being moved but couldn't see anything. I couldn't tell anything. Is this how it is for Shiro all the time? Does he feel trapped in my body, does he feel as blind as I do not knowing what's happening outside?

* * *

_(Renji's POV)_

By the time I got there things were pretty bad. Ichigo was bleeding from his chest and his sister was caught in the tentacles of a massive arrancar as Uryu battled another. I didn't even think, helping Ichigo's sister first, cutting of one of the thing's arms, making it drop her. She fell hard but I couldn't catch her, having to fend off two attacking tentacles from a third arrancar I hadn't even seen. Uryu was hurt badly, but still fighting. I saw him take a cero directly and fall back unconscious. Damn it, this wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't so limited in my powers when I visited the world of the living. Not only that, but my cold had come back and I wasn't fully healed, even if I had been able to fully use my powers I doubt I could have gone bankai. I killed one of the beasts but still had two more to fight. The one with lots of tentacles wrapped a couple of it's appendages around me, beginning to squeeze. I yelled as I felt my arm break, and my leg being pulled out of its socket. Damn it…I looked over to Ichigo, who was dazed, not even looking in the right direction. Am I going to die in front of him without him even knowing? The idea is so depressing that I want to cry. I can't help but scream as I feel more bones begin to crack under the pressure.

All of a sudden Ichigo's head bucks up, and he's on his feet. Oh no, he had…he had those eyes again, and that terrible spiritual pressure.

"GET OFF HIM!" Ichigo's possessed body yelled, slicing off two tentacles. I don't even know when he went into bankai, but he was already…. "GETSUGA TENSHO!" he yelled, a black energy shooting out of his zanpakuto and annihilating the hollow in one blast. "OVER HERE!" the thing that was Ichigo laughed, attacking the last arrancar with gusto, jumping onto its chest and stabbing it directly through the mask, out the back of the head.

He rushed over to me, bleeding on the ground. I held up a hand to shield myself, reaching for Zabimaru. "Please," he said, his voice still that odd high pitched vibrato. He was touching my face, holding me in his arms. "Are you ok?"

"Let Ichigo back you bastard!" I yelled at him.

"Well gee, don't hurt my feelings or anything," he said with a laugh. "We're two sides of the same coin, Ichigo and I. You can't only love one of us."

"What?"

"Are you ok, Red?" he asked, seemingly concerned. "Lemme get that big boobed red haired chick to heal you up, 'k? Just don't you go doing anything stupid like dying on me."

"Why would you care?" I asked him bitterly.

"Red, you don't seem to get it, what I really am. I'm not some…insect…some parasite…living in Ichigo. I'm Ichigo as he could be, as he is sometimes," the thing told me.

"I refuse to believe that! Just bring him back to me," I said.

"I miss you," he told me. "It's lonely when you can't see anything. I'm tired of being blind."

"Don't you dare take over his body! Give it back to him you…"

"Hey Red, do you want to know how to bring Ichigo back?"

"That's what I'm telling you to do!" I yelled at him.

"No, I mean back for good, back in a way that he'll be…whole again…," the hollow said to me.

I didn't reply. Of course I did, but it's not like this thing had any answers. He just wanted control, he was a hollow, he just wanted…

"I just want to be with you again," he said.

"DON'T SAY THAT!"

"He feels guilt," he told me. "Ichigo and Aizen had a lot in common. They had…a moment. He feels guilt over killing him."

"He didn't kill him. Aizen is still alive," I told him.

"Make sure he knows that. That's not going to be enough though. There are things blocking his spiritual pressure from coming back, but it's all from him, it's all internal. He had to do a lot of things he didn't want to do, he killed a lot of people, he has a lot of blood on his hands, and a lot of guilt over things he did and didn't do. Over people getting involved because of him. Over his family and friend permanently being in danger because of him," the thing told me.

I looked at him, wondering if I could trust him.

"Red, I'm not lying when I say that I would do anything for ya," he said, leaning close to me.

"Don't…"

"Don't you want to kiss Ichigo again?" he asked.

"Don't torture me, hollow," I said, looking away. I could see Orihime running in the distance. Good, Karin looked hurt and Uryu was bleeding heavily. I was glad she was coming. Ichigo seemed to have healed himself, or his hollow did.

He ignored me, taking me into his arms and kissing me. I didn't want to kiss back, but he smelled just like Ichigo. The spiritual pressure was different but it seemed the same on some level. The body was the same, the lips the same. I kissed him back. I felt him sigh.

"Renji?" I heard Ichigo ask in a small voice. "Renji, I can't see you. Are you ok? Please…somehow let me know…"

Oh, Ichigo. I wrapped my arms around him and held him until Orihime came.

I was going to trust that…thing…that lived in Ichigo. At least enough to try and help Ichigo get back to the way he was. I had to figure out how to help Ichigo get over his fears and learn how to be a shinigami again.


	7. Guilt

**Guilt**

**

* * *

**

Sometimes I forget that Ichigo doesn't have years of training behind him like I do; years of learning how to kill things and not feel bad about it. I figured Rukia would be the best person to talk to about it, and what she told me worried me. Even when he was just starting out killing hollows once he found out that they were people he had freaked out. And yet he had fought against shinigami and arrancar easily, so it seemed to me. He pushed himself through all of his doubts out of necessity, but I guess it had come back to haunt him later on. Who knows, maybe he had survivors guilt. I hear that people that you'd never expect it from get that. Ichigo had empathy, it something that helps in battle, helps you know what your opponent is thinking, is going to do. But it dims the line between the differences between you and your enemy and maybe if he's dead on the ground you have to wonder why it's not you. I don't know I don't struggle with the stuff myself. Maybe I'm too straight forward for it. If it's me or them, it's me that's going to win. But if I think back, what if I had beat and killed Captain Kuchiki when we were fighting, that would have been different though, right? Ichigo hadn't fought anyone he was close to though, so it shouldn't have happened. I wondered if his hollow was just bluffing me, but I knew that in the past I used to show up late at night and Ichigo would be having nightmares. They used to be about him not being able to save people, about his friends and family being in trouble. Were they now that he did protect them, but became a monster to do it? I hadn't seen but I heard from Uryu that Ichigo had…changed…he had even injured Uryu bad during his battle with the espada Ulquiorra. Yeah, I guess I can't fault Ichigo for being scared of that, of turning on his friends, of becoming a hollow.

But he was willing to chance it for me. That's what's crazy about it. I wondered if those visored guys that Ichigo hung out with for a while are around. They seem to use their masks but not change like Ichigo does.

I hit up Urahara next, talking to him about for a bit. I was just trying to get a handle on what exactly happened to Ichigo, why he was like this. I mean, if he had his soul chain cut, was he really dead and like me, just a shinigami? But one that had a hollow, like former Captain Tosen had at the end? Or was he something else? Was he a hollow? Was that something that I could deal with? If part of him was truly hollow, could I live with that?

At first I felt a recoil in my insides just thinking about loving something anything like a hollow. But, Ichigo wasn't a monster. He was the same now as he always was, right? Or at least he was basically the same. He was the same kid that I loved.

Once I was able to deal with the fact that he might in fact be a little more hollow that I was comfortable with, and realized that I loved him anyways, I was able to think of a couple of ways that I could help him. I guess I need to accept that he's always going to have his hollow inside of him, just accept it like I accept zanpakuto spirits are part of people. It's no less weird, right? Just maybe a little scary for someone like me who has a habit of killing any hollow he sees, but…but I can deal with it. I just want to be with Ichigo…whatever it is that he winds up being defined as; human, shinigami, hollow, or something else completely. No matter what he was Ichigo, and right now he was all alone and unsure about what I was going to do. It's not like I was ever going to leave him, or at least I hope that he never thought that's what was going to happen. I just needed to get my head on straight, and figure out a way to get him out of this situation. I need to find a way for us to be together.

You want to know how desperate I was? I talk to Isshin, Ichigo's dad of all people. I mean, he had married a human. Turns out it was a different situation for him than for me, but talking to him was still good. I wanted him to know that it's a serious thing between me and Ichigo. Isshin's powers came back eventually. I hoped that meant Ichigo's would too. But I didn't want to wait a couple of decades for that to happen.

Would Ichigo even age? Would he become old waiting for me, or would he age like we do, gracefully over thousands of years?

I guess I'm still pretty confused. But I love Ichigo, and I think I've figured out a couple of ways to get him to face what he's done and hopefully get over it. The problem is that to do that I need to talk to him, and to talk to him, he has to use his hollows' powers.

* * *

I had his sister Karin help. I don't think she likes me very much, or maybe she just gives that look to everyone, but still she said to me, "Please help Ichigo, he's not doing very well." I knew that it had to take a lot for her to ask that of me. I promised her I would do whatever I could. She nodded and then knocked on Ichigo's door. He didn't answer. She angrily kicked at his door until he answered it. He had a pair of headphones over his ears and was wearing a pair of gray flannel pajamas bottoms and a long sleeved black shirt. I'm a little ashamed of my thoughts, considering his sister was standing right there. But I couldn't help it. He looked in desperate need of cuddling at the very least. Better yet, a long weekend with me, I thought to myself. I sighed. No reason to make myself depressed.

"Renji is here," Karin told Ichigo.

Ichigo turned his music off instantly, staring somewhere over his shoulder. I hated when he stared at where I was but couldn't really see me.

"I'm not sure what he's talking about, but he says that he has to talk to you, and it's ok if you do something to have to see him," Karin said. I hadn't wanted to worry her any more than necessary. She was battling hollows now after all, I'm sure she didn't want to hear that her brother could sometimes become one.

"Ask him if he understands," I told her.

"Do you understand what he's asking you to do?" Karin asked her eyebrows arched. She knew I was hiding something, she just wasn't sure what.

"Yeah," Ichigo said.

"You hurt him and I'm hunting you down, shinigami," Karin said.

"I would rather hurt myself than him," I told her. "I love him."

"Ok, gross," Karin said. Ichigo laughed. I looked over at him, smiling at me.

"You heard that?" I asked.

"Yeah," Ichigo replied. He pulled me in and pushed his sister out. "Thanks," he said to her before quickly closing the door. He looked at me. "What's the change?"

I know he meant why did I put up such a fuss about him using his hollow for this just to ask him to do it later. I didn't answer him instead I pulled him towards me, embracing him fully. I heard him sigh as he practically collapsed into my arms.

You know, I always thought it was corny when people say things like "we just fit together" but there is definitely something to it. It's like its more comfortable being with that person than being away from them, like having them touch you is the most natural thing in the world, just an extension of your own body. My arms fit around him perfectly, his head hitting my shoulder at just the right part no parts of our body awkwardly mashed together, just everything fitting where it should.

"Oh, Renji," he said, his head still buried into my shoulder.

"I…wouldn't have made you do this just to say hi," I admitted. "I want to show you something and I need you like this to see it."

"See what?" he asked me.

"We have to go to Urahara's," I told him.

"Can we…wait a minute before leaving?" he asked, looking at me meaningfully, pulling on me tightly.

How could I resist an offer like that? We collapsed onto the bed, our hands exploring each other's bodies. We were both aware of the close proximity of his sisters but I wanted to do something. I quickly took off Ichigo's pants and my hakama, our underthings as well. I covered his mouth with my own to muffle his moans. We just rutted there against each other, our arousals pressing into each other's hips. I moved to his neck and laid heavy kisses along it. He was kissing my jaw. We were like horny first years at the academy. Of course, it still was all too new for Ichigo. There was still so much more I wanted to show him. We rutted against each other, biting our lips to not call out as we came. It was over in just minutes, just frantic humping from two starved lovers. I wish I could give him more, but the less amount of time he was like this the better. I still didn't know how much I could trust his hollow.

"I've, uh, got to get dressed," Ichigo said after we laid for a couple of minutes allowing our heartbeats to return to normal.

"You telling me to get lost?" I grinned.

"Oh fine, stay," he said, starting to find some clothes.

I admit enjoyed watching him. I'm glad that I had just expended myself so I didn't pounce on him again. Not that I don't want to. He's blushing adorably because he knows I'm watching him get dressed.

"You're such a perv," he said to me, as he started to put a belt on.

"You have no idea," I admitted. "You want to know what I'm thinking right now?"

"No," he said.

"Boo," I pouted. I love being just normal with him, playing games and joking around like this is what we do all the time, not something all too rare.

* * *

Kisuke had everything set up. I knew he had to have a screen around some place. He has mysterious rooms under his shop that seem to exist for only one purpose, so I wasn't surprised when he took us to his "viewing room". He also has a gigai making room, a candy making room, and probably a room full just of potions and elixirs that he uses to play pranks on people.

"I'm not going to ask how you got this," I told him, before we watched the video.

"Thanks for the thought, but I wouldn't have told you anyways," Kisuke said. "I actually watched this just before you got here. Interesting stuff, even if you've seen it a dozen times."

"What would you watch a dozen times?" Ichigo asked.

"It's the trial of Sosuke Aizen," Kisuke said. Ichigo's face got slightly stiff.

We watched. We watched the evidence be presented against him, his conviction, his laughing in the face of his conviction.

"They didn't execute him?" Ichigo asked.

"How? With what? You kind of took away the Soul Society's best way of executing high level prisoners during your fight to free Rukia," Kisuke said.

"I…I didn't…Captain Ukitake and Captain Kyoraku used some sort of shield and destroyed the Sokyoku…"

"Uh huh, like you weren't trying to destroy it," Kisuke waved him off.

"So, he's still alive?" Ichigo said.

"In fact…" Kisuke clicked a couple of buttons and then there were seeing Aizen, bound the same as he was in the trial, in darkness.

"How the hell…is that live feed!" I yelled at Kisuke. Really, that's going too far. What kind of security do we have on Aizen after all?

"I just like to keep an eye on him you know, make sure that everything….stays put…" Kisuke said, sounding slightly more ominous than I usually view him as.

Ichigo was looking at the screen intently.

"Does that help?" I asked.

"With what?" Ichigo asked.

"Your hollow said it might help for you to know you didn't kill him, or help in him getting killed."

"W-what the hell! Are you taking advice from Shiro?" Ichigo yelled at me. Wow, he seems mad. "You're talking about me with my fucking hollow?"

"You call him Shiro?" I asked, trying to deflect his anger.

"RENJI!" he yelled.

"Er, not that it's really my business, but I'm sure that your hollow wants you to get your powers back just as much as you do. I mean, his power is locked up too," Kisuke said.

Ichigo launched himself at him but Kisuke was too quick.

"I meant…not that it's really my business…so I'll just stay out of it…" Kisuke said with a wide grin, leaving us alone.

"Please don't be mad at me, Ichigo," I said. "He just told me that you had a lot of guilt over all of the fighting and stuff you had to do. It was when he took over and fought off the arrancar. That's all," I said.

"That's all?" Ichigo asked, his eyebrow arched.

"Um, he kissed me too, and said that I had to love both of you, and I swear I think that's all he said to me," I raised my hand to vouch for my truthfulness.

"Kissed you?" Ichigo asked, anger fading from his voice. "Did you kiss back?"

Well, shit. "I…once he kissed me…yeah I kissed back. I just…missed you…"

"It's ok," Ichigo said. After him getting so mad at me talking to his hollow…er…Shiro…I thought he'd be even more pissed off at me for kissing him. "Actually, it kind of…" he paused and looked at me. "You don't find me frightening when I'm like that?"

"I do," I admitted. "But I love you anyway."

"I feel a lot better now," Ichigo said, wrapping his hands around me. "Now why don't we make Kisuke regret running away and leaving us alone?"

"Er…" I was looking at the blinking red light above the door that I was very sure was recording everything, but Ichigo was already kissing at my collarbone and my brain was starting to short circuit. Oh well, I mean, I'm not _positive _it's a recording device and Ichigo seems so ready to go, so why not? A little bit more time like this won't hurt him, right? Ichigo's moan breaks any sort of control I have and I'm pinning him to the couch, my hands already moving all his now very unnecessary clothing out of the way.


	8. Rival

**Rival**

**

* * *

**

The next thing I'm planning on trying is kind of dangerous. I mean, what I did last time was dangerous as well, but that was just in the legal sense. This could actually get us killed. I wasn't really sure about it at first, but when I read all the reports that Squad 2 was bringing back, I knew it was the right thing to do. Stupid, foolhardy, and hopefully definitely going to work.

I had to wait on Kisuke to get everything ready first. I decided to make things semi official because I knew that there was a high likelihood of being caught. Me volunteering for the job didn't set off any alarm bells in Captain Kuchiki's head, mostly likely because no one would think to do what I was going to do.

Once I got to the world of the living, I recruited Karin again. She rolled her eyes at me and then went upstairs and got Ichigo. It's such a small thing but it felt good to see him coming down the stairs looking directly at me. Soon, hopefully, we won't have to use the hollow at all. So far he hasn't done anything though. I have no idea if he's just laying low waiting for his chance or if he really is going along with everything. He could be doing both. Like Kisuke said, he probably wants Ichigo to get his powers back just as much as anybody.

"Hey, kid," I told him.

He didn't reply, just kissed me. Good enough for me. I heard his sister groaning in the background and smiled to myself.

"I have another idea," I told him.

"You having an idea is frightening," Ichigo laughed at me.

"Hey, the last one was pretty good," I insisted.

"Ok, what's this brilliant idea of yours?"

"We're going to..." I stopped speaking because I realized that Ichigo's sister was still listening. "Er...Urahara's shop," I finished lamely.

He gave me a look but nodded and followed me anyway. "And what are we going to do at Urahara's shop?" he asked me as we walked down the street.

"We're going to go to Hueco Mundo," I said.

He stopped walking. "Renji, not only is that a terrible idea, but I don't even think it's possible. I mean, I don't even have my spiritual body, how am I supposed to get there?"

"It's possible. Kisuke got Uryu, Chad, and Orihime there without spiritual bodies, remember?" I reminded him.

"Renji, why are we going? Isn't this going to get you in trouble?" Ichigo asked.

"Yes and no. I'm supposed to be going there to check in on our observation outpost, but I doubt that me bringing you along was part of anyone's plan."

"Welcome travelers!" Kisuke greeted us from his porch.

"Is everything ready?" I asked.

"Kisuke, how you can think that this is a good idea?" Ichigo told him.

Kisuke just shrugged. "I can think of a better place for a honeymoon, but who am I to judge?" Kisuke joked.

Ichigo blushed at that. I laughed.

"It does get pretty cold, I'll need some warming up," I said meaningfully. Ichigo punched me in the arm and I laughed harder.

We went downstairs to the training room and waited for Kisuke to open the Gargantua.

"I'm not actually sure how...ok...you'll feel," Kisuke warned Ichigo. "It won't be like last time when you went."

"I know it's dangerous, in a lot of ways," I told Ichigo, "but there's a reason for this. I really think it might help."

Ichigo nodded. He's never been that trusting of a person so it makes me kind of warm and fuzzy that he trusts me this much. I mean, I'm throwing him to the wolves here, both the hollows running around Hueco Mundo, and the one inside of him. He'll be completely depending on me to protect him. I'm kind of surprised that he agreed so willingly, but that probably just shows how desperate he is.

"Here we go," I said, scooping up Ichigo. I didn't know whether he'd be able to make his own path or not and I wasn't chancing it. I jumped through the portal, ignoring Ichigo's complaining.

When we landed on the desert sand, we were completely alone. I hadn't wanted to be too close to the lookout station, I didn't want to have to do any explaining. Ichigo is fairly well known.

"Now what?" Ichigo asked, looking over the dunes.

"We wait," I told him.

"For what?"

"You'll know it when you see it. It might take some time. Can you maybe have Shiro pump up the volume a little on your spiritual pressure?" I asked. "Or will that..."

"No, I think it'll be ok," Ichigo said.

I liked feeling it. It didn't feel like Ichigo but it was close. More chaotic feeling, obviously. Darker, definitely. But still kind of comforting.

"We might be here for awhile, so you might want to sleep. We can sleep in shifts. If anyone or anything comes when I'm asleep, wake me immediately," I told Ichigo. He nodded.

Ichigo went to sleep first. I waited, sitting on the ground while scanning the horizon, trying to feel as best as I could. My ability to sense spiritual pressure isn't all the great, and I wasn't going to let it get us into trouble. I was concentrating so hard that I almost didn't hear Ichigo the first time he spoke.

"What in the world are you doing, Red?" Ichigo asked. Although, it wasn't really Ichigo anymore. I could see the change clearly.

"Look, we need your help for this, but don't go overboard," I told the hollow.

"I'm still waiting for the plan," Shiro responded.

"Somebody has been looking for you. Or rather, Ichigo," I said.

"Oh goodie, company is coming?" Shiro said with a laugh.

"Just go back to sleep, and don't take over Ichigo like this, it's unnerving."

"You know I can feel everything when we're like this, don't ya?" Shiro told me. "When you're fucking him, I'm feeling it all."

Great, just what I want to think about. "Go away," I told him.

"But believe me, if I were in charge, it wouldn't go down the same way at all. No way. I can just imagine you bent in front of me right now, yelling for me to..."

Fantastic, now I'm being sexually harassed by Ichigo's hollow. I mean, just because I accept him doesn't mean I have to sit there and listen to this does it? I tried to ignore him, although he really did just get more graphic.

"Damn it," I finally said. "Enough!"

"I'll go away for a small price," Shiro told me.

"What, another kiss?" I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, you should just be happy I'm not asking you to get naked," Shiro laughed at me.

I had guessed right. The little fucker _did_ want me to kiss him. "If you can feel everything, then why does it matter if I kiss you know or if you just feel it later when I kiss Ichigo?"

Shiro growled at me. "Kiss me!" he ordered, his arms around mine. I could easily sweep them away but decided not to. I didn't want Ichigo to wake up with bruises.

"Fine," I replied. "I'll let you kiss me, but I'm not planning on kissing you back."

"Close enough," Shiro smiled.

It was a lot different than kissing Ichigo, or even when I kissed Shiro the first time. He was trying to dominate me, kissing with intense aggression and fire. I felt his long dark tongue pry open my mouth, licking at me. I tried to pull away but fell backwards, Shiro on top of me.

"This is...exactly what I want," Shiro said as he suggestively rubbed himself on me.

"You damn sex starved hollow! Go away!" I told him, trying to ignore the fact that I was starting to get turned on. What? I hadn't seen Ichigo for two weeks and it's not like we've had time to do anything. "I need to be on the lookout," I told the hollow. "I can't be distracted." Hopefully common sense would at least get through to him, if common decency wouldn't.

"Hmpf," Shiro said, pulling away with a pout.

Luckily after that he went to sleep again, allowing Ichigo's body to rest. I sighed with relief and tried to not wake Ichigo up and make him have sex with me. Sorry, it's just kind of hard to turn off once it's going.

* * *

There it was, a bright spot in my mind, off to the west. It was approaching lightning quick. I woke Ichigo up.

"We didn't have to wait very long at all," I told Ichigo. Ichigo just nodded at me sleepily like he knew what I was talking about. "Get up," I told him.

I drew my zanpakuto, hopefully ready for anything.

"What do we have here?" a voice said from behind us.

I cursed and spun around.

"Grimmjow?" Ichigo said, his jaw falling open. "How did you..."

"Oh yeah, you're not nearly as good as you think you are. I'm harder to kill than you think," Grimmjow said. "Plus that green haired brat kept drooling on me after you left. Now it's time for a little payback."

"Grimmjow!" I intervened. "Look at him."

"Hm?" Grimmjow looked over at Ichigo. "What are you wearing? And where the hell is your giant ass zanpakuto?"

Ichigo was wearing jeans and t shirt, and a large warm sweatshirt zipped up over the top of it.

"I..." Ichigo started.

"He lost his powers after defeating Aizen," I jumped in, seeing that it was hard for Ichigo to say.

"YOU WHAT?" Grimmjow yelled at him.

"Yeah, even a punch from you right now would probably kill him," I said.

Ichigo looked at me like I was crazy.

"Hell, he wouldn't even be able to see you now except for some fancy tricks," I continued.

"Fuck," Grimmjow said. He looked angry. Ichigo looked confused.

"He's been looking for you," I told Ichigo. "He's been going over to any observation post and yelling at them to bring you to him."

"Well, I'm here now," Ichigo said.

"Not like this," Grimmjow growled. "How the hell am I supposed to beat you now?"

"Very easily," I stated. I know something about rivalry. I know that I would rather stab myself than stab Captain Kuchiki while he was weak and sick. No matter how hard I wanted to beat him, I wanted to beat him clearly, with him at the top of his game, and me at mine. I wanted to demonstrate that a stray dog like me could overcome a noble like him. I wanted to see his face and he realized that he was going to lose. I had gambled on Grimmjow, but I knew I had to be right. I could see in his face now that I was.

He grabbed Ichigo's jacket and lifted him up. "What the hell is wrong with you!" he yelled. I nervously handled my zanpakuto, wondering if I should step in or if my instincts were correct. If they weren't...

"Take it easy there," Grimmjow said looking over at me.

"He can't defend himself."

"I KNOW THAT!" Grimmjow yelled at me. He dropped Ichigo. "Fuck."

Good, at least I was right and he wouldn't... "Shit!" I yelled, barely dodging an attack that Grimmjow launched at me.

"You wouldn't want your friend here to get hurt, would you? I know you care about your friends a damn lot," Grimmjow said to Ichigo.

"Renji!" Ichigo was yelling at me. Well, this had gone rather badly.

"All you have to do is save him," Grimmjow said with a grin, rushing at me again. I blocked him but couldn't manage to deflect him, falling backwards onto the sand. "You know he can't beat me," Grimmjow said.

Well, all out or nothing, right?

"Bankai!" I yelled.


	9. Fight

**Fight**

**

* * *

**

**Ichigo's POV**

_Get out of the way Ichigo, I need to save him! _I heard Shiro yell.

"No!" I yelled back. I was tired of relying on Shiro. He hadn't done anything bad but I could feel how it was easier and easier for him to take over. What then? Would I diminish into nothing?

_Now is not the time to worry about that crap! Red needs me!_

No...I could feel myself getting pushed back anyways. I could feel that I was a passenger in my own mind. At least this time I could see, but it was like I was chained to a wall or something. There was nothing I could do but be a witness.

"Finally coming to play?" I heard Grimmjow say as he turned from Renji. Renji was bleeding but he didn't look badly injured. "What the hell?"

"Get away from him!" Shiro yelled, attacking.

"Who the hell are you?" Grimmjow asked as he was pushed backward, his zanpakuto up in a block.

"Ichigo. Who else would I be?"

"You are _not_ Ichigo."

"Close enough, right?"

"Not even close," Grimmjow spat out, attacking quickly. Shiro easily blocked it.

"You guys sure aren't very nice. No one is ever happy to see me," Shiro pouted.

"Gimme Ichigo," Grimmjow said.

"Aw, he's like a weak kitten right now. Even protected he can barely handle our spiritual pressures without becoming separated from his soul."

At that, Grimmjow backed away. He looked over at Renji.

"I don't think so," Shiro jumped in front of him. "Red is mine. No touchie."

I wanted to turn around and see Renji, make sure he was ok. I couldn't feel him out, couldn't reach out to him with my spiritual pressure like I used to.

"Look, I didn't come here to fight you. I came here to fight Ichigo," Grimmjow was frowning. He seemed to think for a couple moments and then grinned. He backed up. I could feel Shiro tensing.

Grimmjow charged, his fist flying a series of quick punches. Shiro dodged many of them but took a few solid hits. Grimmjow flipped over the top of him and Shiro spun around to block, only to get a lower kick instead, flying into the air.

Ichigo could feel himself in the air, see Grimmjow's smiling face below them as he turned and sprinted towards Renji. No, Ichigo thought. He could feel Shiro stop himself midair, only to have to dodge a cero. Renji was looking up at Ichigo. Damn it Renji, pay more attention, Ichigo was thinking to himself.

"Cero," Grimmjow said, pointing point blank at Renji's chest.

Renji was flung backward, his hands in a cross in front of him to take some of the force of the attack. He crashed high into a cliff wall, dust and rock collapsing around him. He began to fall.

"No," Shiro and Ichigo thought at once, rushing towards Renji.

Grimmjow got there first. He held up Renji with one hand, having drawn his zanpakuto with the other. He placed the blade along Renji's throat.

"I don't particularly care to play this way, but I'm gonna fight you whether you want to or not, Ichigo," Grimmjow said.

Renji was dazed but still awake. He was struggling. Grimmjow frowned and pressed his blade closer. "Please don't do that. You might start bleeding earlier than you need to."

Shiro started to move.

"Stop," Grimmjow told him. "I already said I ain't interested in playing with you. I want Ichigo."

Shiro growled. "Look, if I could make the king come back, by all means I'd do it."

I raged within the prison of myself. Damn it. I could do nothing.

* * *

"I thought you told me that you had found your resolve," I heard a voice next to me.

The old man? Was I really seeing Zangetsu?

"So tell me, where did it go? Did it get washed away with blood?" he asked me. The rain drops hitting my face were warm and sticky. I recoiled back as I realized it wasn't water. The drops left long red trails across my hands.

"I never killed anyone or anything that I didn't have to," I said.

"You don't believe that."

"I have to."

"You were scared of becoming a monster."

* * *

"_Finally woken up have you?" Uryu asked._

"_That wound...did I do that?"_

_My blade...sticking out of Uryu's gut. Ulquiorra, slow disintegrating, telling me to finish him off._

_

* * *

_

"_You aren't a warrior anymore. Not a shinigami, nor a hollow. Not even a person," Gin said to me._

* * *

_Aizen walked right by me like I was nothing, giving Gin the order to open the senkaimon. My dad, Yoruichi, Kisuke...all laying collapsed on the ground, beaten. I didn't even try to follow._

_

* * *

_

"_Why are you crying?" I asked Tensa Zangetsu._

"_Ichigo, do you remember what I told you when this battle began? 'What you want to protect is not what I want to protect'?"_

"_...yeah."_

"_What I wanted to protect was you, Ichigo."_

* * *

_The spikes shooting out of Aizen's body, that final last look over at me. "I..." and then he was gone._

_

* * *

_

Rukia was in front of me...and Renji and Kenpachi and Byakuya and Ikkaku and Yoruichi and...all the faces were becoming blurry, disappearing.

"Where is your resolve now?" Zangetsu was asking me. "Do you really go out into the world defenseless? Without your sword? Without your soul?"

"...no..."

"Why are you still without your powers?"

"I was told I'd lose everything after using the final getsuga."

"That move breaks open your spiritual seals, it steals so much of your spiritual pressure you are left helpless and powerless afterward, but it doesn't destroy you. You are just as capable of creating spiritual pressure as any shinigami," Zangetsu told me.

"No...my dad as well...I mean..."

"You lose your powers for a time, but you regain them. How long is dependent on how much you don't want them to come back. Guilt, anger, fear, all of those things that hinder you in life and battle hinder your spiritual powers. Do you remember what I told you all those years ago, Ichigo?"

"I remember but..."

"Cast off your fear! Look forward! Go forward! Never stand still. Retreat and you will age. Hesitate and you will die. Do you still believe that?"

"Yes."

* * *

_Kisuke was speaking to him as they were training. "There is nothing but fear reflected in your sword. When you dodge, you're afraid of getting killed. When you attack, you're afraid of killing someone. Even when you try to protect someone, you're afraid of letting them die. Yes, your sword speaks to me only of absurd fear. What's necessary in a fight isn't fear. Nothing can be born of that. When you dodge, "I won't let them cut me." If you protect someone, "I won't let them die." If you attack, "I will kill them."_

_

* * *

_

"I'm not afraid."

"You were afraid of how powerful you had become," Zangetsu said.

"I had to..."

"If you lost control you have no one but yourself to blame. The solution is not to become weaker, but to become stronger, to overcome it. Did anyone look at you like you where a monster? Did Uryu stop talking to you? Did Urahara or your father no longer respect you?"

"No."

* * *

"_Hey, Ichigo," Renji said to me, holding me in bed._

"_Yeah?" I asked, playing with his hair._

"_Thanks."_

"_For what?" I laughed._

"_The Soul Society owes you a lot," he told me._

"_I didn't really do it for them."_

"_Then, thanks from me," Renji replied. He gave me a kiss._

_

* * *

_

"It can't just be about Renji," Zangetsu was telling me. "No person should ever completely base their life off of others."

"If I just stood back, Renji would be fine. I know that Shiro can take care of him. But that's not what I want," I replied.

"Of course it's not. You're tired of watching."

"I'm tired of watching...watching my sister leave to fight hollows, of watching Uryu get pages from Kisuke, of knowing people around me are seeing things I can't."

"You want your eyes back."

"They're mine," I said through gritted teeth.

"You want your powers back."

"They're mine!"

"Find them then."

This time there was no confusion as I was submersed in water. I had no doubts about what I was doing. I reached for the red ribbon and opened the box, grabbing the hilt of Zangetsu.

* * *

**Renji's POV**

I feel pretty stupid for letting myself get in this situation and I'm not really the type to wait around and get rescued. I wrestled with Grimmjow.

"Damn it!" he cursed at me. I felt his blade cut me but not deep. "Chill."

"You think I'm gonna let myself be bait?" I practically spat at him.

"Geez, you two are something. I'd almost think you two had a little something going on."

My eyes widened.

"Well shit, don't tell me you're his boyfriend?" Grimmjow grinned at me. "Looks like I hit the jackpot! Or are you just dating the weirdo hollow version?"

"Fuck you! I'm NOT with the hollow," I said. Grimmjow laughed at me.

"...wh..." Grimmjow was thrown backward, dropping me. I looked up, seeing Ichigo stand above me.

"Ichigo..." I breathed. He was wearing his shihakusho and carrying his zanpakuto.

"Finally! Let's brawl!" Grimmjow said, jumping up. He blocked Zangetsu with his elbow and punched Ichigo in the face. Ichigo fell backward but stopped himself before he hit the ground. "Still kinda slow though."

"Shut up," Ichigo told him. He raised his arm and prepared to charge. Grimmjow appeared behind him.

"Hm, you need some practice," Grimmjow said, easily dodging once Ichigo sensed him there and spun around.

"What the hell do you expect after years of doing nothing?" Ichigo yelled at him.

"Hm," Grimmjow kicked him. Ichigo blocked it but Grimmjow kicked the bare blade, making Ichigo fall back. "Yeah, this still isn't going to work."

"What?" Ichigo yelled at him. Ichigo charged at him.

"Hey, Red," Grimmjow yelled to me.

"Why the hell do all you hollows call me that?" I responded.

He grinned back. "Thanks for bringing him to play, but he's still broken."

"Fuck you!" Ichigo yelled.

"Oh come on," Grimmjow replied. "I'm not even released. Are you saying you could take me right now?"

Ichigo blinked. "Yes."

"Liar," Grimmjow said. "Tell you what. If you promise to come back I'll let you go right now."

"I don't want your pity!"

Grimmjow had a point but I figured stepping in at this point was going to cause a problem between me and Ichigo so I kept my mouth shut.

"Oh, I'm still gonna kill you," Grimmjow said with a grin. "I just want the taste to be that much sweeter." And he vanished.

"Damn it!" Ichigo yelled.

"Ichigo..." he turned towards me, his face contorted with rage.

"Do you know how hard this was to do and then he goes and runs away?"

"Ichigo," I smiled. "I can always spar with you to get you back into shape."

He blinked. "Renji..."

"So, does this mean you're back?"

I guess I don't blame him. He had a little pent up emotion from having Grimmjow get him so riled like that and then running off. I can't say that I didn't enjoy it either. Not that I didn't like him before or anything, but I like Ichigo when he's pushy and aggressive. And he was definitely being aggressive now.

"Mmmm," I said, my eyes rolling back into my head as he assaulted my neck with his lips, tongue and teeth. "We should probably find someplace better to do this..." It felt so nice to finally feel him again. I remember when we'd spar and I'd always be slightly worried that I was going to do something stupid like rip off his clothes if we got too close. He had this pinning move when he'd throw you to the ground with his hip before jumping on you and using his legs to pin you legs and his arms to lock up your hands. It was very effective but I doubt there was a single time he did it to me that my mind didn't instantly go on full on sex alert. This time was different because I knew he did it because he wanted me. He roughly threw me to the ground and any cautious thoughts went out of my mind.

Grimmjow was right, he was rusty, and he definitely wasn't up to his full spiritual pressure, but it was high enough to completely wrap around me. I was ripping off his kimono without even thinking, leaving large red welts across his collar bone as I sucked on it with abandon. I pushed Zabimaru out of the way and Ichigo had long set Zangetsu aside. His hand were at my hakama.

"Lieutenant Abarai?" a voice came across the sands to us. God damn fucking piece of shit lousy...

I could tell Ichigo's mind was filled with similar thoughts as we both looked up at the approaching group. We separated ourselves with a groan.

"We knew you had come through and when you didn't show up we put out a search party," the shinigami leading the group said to us. "There was a sudden explosion of spiritual pressure in this area so we came here."

I sighed deeply. I could care less what they thought about me or the situation, I was still upset that Ichigo and I weren't at this minute naked and rubbing on each other. I wondered if the kid was embarrassed since it was completely obvious to anyone what we'd be doing. I smiled to myself when I saw his scowl. Guess not.

"Is that...Ichigo Kurosaki?" one of the shinigami said.

"Yeah," I said.

They began to speak amongst themselves as Ichigo and I collected our weapons and clothing.

"You are so going to get it when we get home," I whispered into Ichigo's ear, still gasping slightly from his earlier attack.

"We sure as hell aren't going to my house," Ichigo told me.

"Uh? Why not?"

"I'm not planning on holding back, and I wouldn't be able to look my sisters in the eye ever again if they heard us."

The quick chain of thoughts that went through my minds definitely gave me another jolt...Ichigo practically yelling my name, his eyes closed in pleasure, sweat slicking his body... Damn it, I'm trying to calm down and this isn't helping. "Why don't you spend the weekend at my place this time then?" I offered.

He looked at me with a smile. "I guess I can do that now, huh?"

"Yeah."

Of course, I'm not really one for thinking ahead a lot of times and my plans for the weekend instantly were stomped on.

"We need to inform the Soul Society about Ichigo Kurosaki regaining his spiritual powers," one of the shinigami said.

I sighed. Couldn't this wait? Captain Kurotsuchi will probably want to test and probe him, I'm sure then they'll want to know why he was in Hueco Mundo in the first place, and then even assuming I don't get in trouble for that (like that's gonna happen) then there's gonna be all of the well wishers and friends Ichigo left behind who will want to see him and say hi. I'm a greedy bastard I guess, I wasn't feeling up to sharing him yet.

Ichigo was frowning too.

I shrugged. There wasn't a lot we could do.

"Hey, don't be so down," I told the kid. "Things just got a lot better."

He smiled at me.


	10. Soul Society

**Soul Society**

**

* * *

**

We stepped out of the senkaimon and into the Soul Society.

"Ichigo," I said. "Want to pump things up a little so people will know you're here?" I figured it would save me some time.

"What? You know I'm not good at that sort of thing," Ichigo replied.

I reached over and kissed him passionately. Ichigo has never been very good at controlling his spiritual pressure (yeah I know, like I'm one to talk). I could feel his pressure begin to spike. He pulled away from me. "Renji! I don't want everyone to know that I'm turned on!" Although it was hard with people you didn't know, in general you could tell a person's emotions from their spiritual pressure. For instance, on the very rare occasions that Captain Kuchiki didn't just fight, but actually got angry, all of Squad 6 took cover and practically cowered in fear.

I smiled innocently. I kept pushing though. "Aren't you pissed off that Grimmjow took pity on you and ran away because you weren't strong enough to fight him?" I asked with a smirk.

"What?" he said lowly, his pressure starting to flare. "I'll show you how weak I am right now!"

"Ha, like I want to hurt you," I told him.

His eyes narrowed. "Oh yeah?" Then he frowned. "You're an asshole," he said to me, realizing that I was just trying to piss him off.

I shrugged.

In front of us, not surprisingly, a group of figures appeared.

"Ichigo, long time no see," Kenpachi grinned. Yachiru was beaming, hanging on his shoulder like usual. Ikkaku and Yumichika were on either side of him, smiling as well.

Kenpachi grabbed the hilt of his zanpakuto.

"Captain Zaraki, I really hope you're not planning on fight him already," Captain Ukitake mildly rebuked him.

Rukia was there, looking slightly winded. I wondered if she had been training with Captain Ukitake when she felt Ichigo's presence.

I wasn't expecting it at all, so I practically keeled over when Ichigo elbowed me in the ribs. "You idiot! You didn't tell me Rukia was a lieutenant now!"

"Oh by the way, Ichigo, Rukia's a lieutenant now," I groaned.

"Thanks," he replied flatly.

"Renji, why are you back already?" Captain Kuchiki asked me, almost before I even saw him appear.

"Well, Ichigo got his powers back and I thought I should escort him to the Soul Society," I replied.

"You were supposed to be in Hueco Mundo."

"Um...we were..." I said. There wasn't going to be any hiding it. Even if I could have convinced the shinigami that found us to keep their mouth closed there was still the spiritual pressure readers at the base that had alerted them to our presence in the first place. I'm pretty sure that those readings go straight to Squad 12. Which makes me wonder where...ah, there he is.

"Ichigo Kurosaki, please come with me," Captain Kurotsuchi said, appearing with Nemu.

"Look, I got here first," Kenpachi growled. "The rest of you can all go to hell."

"Why was Ichigo Kurosaki in Hueco Mundo with you?" my captain asked me.

"Renji, you idiot, you could have killed him!" Rukia yelled.

"He brought me there to fight Grimmjow Jaegerjaques," Ichigo answered for me.

"The espada? You brought him to fight an espada he couldn't even see?" Rukia said with anger.

"Um, yeah?" I answered.

"I don't see how that helped at all," Captain Kurotsuchi was frowning.

"I wanted to fight him," Ichigo said. "My zanpakuto was finally able to speak to me and I was able to get my powers back."

"See, I should have just attacked him years ago. But you guys said it was a stupid idea and that I'd kill him," Kenpachi grinned.

I looked over at Ichigo. There was no way that I was going to tell the whole story. Some things should remain private. His pain, his struggles, how is that anyone's business? And what if they looked down on him for it? I wouldn't stand for it. I don't understand it fully either, but so what? Ichigo is still the strongest person I know.

"It wasn't just because I wanted to fight him," Ichigo said. "It was because he was attacking Renji. He was going to kill him if I didn't intervene."

"I guess you do have this odd rescue complex," Captain Kurotsuchi considered.

"It wasn't just that. It's because I love Renji," Ichigo stated.

My jaw dropped. I haven't said a word about our relationship with anyone. I suppose things are different now that he has his shinigami powers back, but before if they had known...well, he was basically just a human at that point. There are a lot of laws about that. Still, I was a little shocked that Ichigo would just admit that, almost casually.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I really had nothing to say though.

"Is this why you've been running to the world of the living all the time?" my captain asked me coolly.

"No! Well, kind of. I mean, I was trying to help him get his powers back," I replied.

"I believe we have some things we need to discuss," Captain Kuchiki told me. He began to turn and I knew he wanted me to follow him.

"I...I can't leave Ichigo here!" I argued. Not with _them, _he'd be full of holes or poison within fifteen minutes.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure Mayuri doesn't run off with him," Kenpachi assured me. His eyes were gleaming though.

"He's had his powers back all of an hour, he's not strong enough to fight," I warned him.

"Fighting is the best way for him to get back up to speed," Kenpachi replied.

While I would agree with that in principle, this was Captain Zaraki we were talking about. I just got Ichigo back, I didn't want him in pieces.

"I'll make sure that nothing goes awry," Captain Ukitake spoke up. "I'm sure my lieutenant wants to catch up with him as well."

Ok. I could trust Ichigo with Captain Ukitake and Rukia. I nodded. "See you in a bit, Ichigo," I said.

* * *

"I know I broke a lot of laws," I was explaining myself to my captain back in his office. "But I couldn't handle that we'd never be together. I didn't even know that I had feelings for him until he couldn't hear or see me. Once I figured out that he loved me too, I couldn't just abandon him and not even try."

Captain Kuchiki sighed.

"Don't think of what I did, just think of what good will come of it!" I argued. "Rukia will be back to normal, Squad 11 will function again. Now we have another really strong fighter, which we need considering how unbalanced things still are here after the war."

"What we are going to say," Captain Kuchiki told me, "Is that I ordered you to try any means necessary to get Ichigo Kurosaki back into shape so that he could once again fulfill his duties to the Soul Society."

Well that just shocked the hell out of me. More than Ichigo confessing his love of me in front of four captains even. Was my captain actually suggesting a lie?

"I will admit that I never told you to break any laws, that you did that on your own, but that it was in order to fulfill your mission so you thought that it was reasonable action to take," Captain Kuchiki continued.

"...Captain," I still didn't have words.

"Everything you have said to me is true; there is much good that comes from Ichigo Kurosaki going back to the way he was."

"Is it because we love each other?" I asked.

"I just told you, much good comes from this situation," Captain Kuchiki frowned at me.

I can't believe he's secretly such a sap! I guess it's a good thing Ichigo blurted out the truth like that in front of everyone because it probably would have taken wild horses to drag it out from me when I was facing my captain.

* * *

I found Ichigo and Rukia talking together in front of Captain Ukitake's koi pond. I guess they thought it was safer than Ichigo wandering around Squad 13 where members of the 11th could still get to him.

"I'm letting you take him now, but I want him back in the morning," Rukia told me.

"Oh I'll definitely take him now," I smirked.

That's what I was looking for, I finally got Ichigo to blush bright red. Rukia choked back her laugh.

"We're having a party tomorrow night too," Rukia said. "Rangiku is planning it so it'll probably be at her place."

I nodded.

"So are you busted?" Ichigo asked me.

"Actually, hopefully not," I grinned. "It turns out that I was following Captain Kuchiki's orders the whole time."

"Oh really?" Rukia asked, an eyebrow arched.

"He's...he's going to..." Ichigo was just as shocked as I was.

"Let's get going," I said. "I wasn't really kidding about taking you."

* * *

"Renji, what are you doing?" Ichigo asked me, groaning as I raised my spiritual pressure higher. "They're going to feel you."

"Don't worry, this place is shielded." I was lying. Honestly any people unfortunate enough to live near me were going to be on the ground struggling to breathe by the time I was done with Ichigo. And you know what? They should probably just get used to it.

It was just an idea I had, but it was incredibly erotic. I knew that two people who really knew what they were doing could play around with spiritual pressure, but neither Ichigo or I had that kind of finesse. We were just slamming each other's spiritual pressure into each other and it was fantastic. It was like fighting, I could feel my adrenaline increasing and my heart pounding, but it was also sexy as hell because I was feeling Ichigo's presence envelop me.

We hadn't even taken our clothes off, I had just thrown him onto the couch the second we walked into the door.

"Just look at it as training to get you back in shape," I said, bearing down on him heavily with my spiritual pressure again as I nipped at his ear.

If just teasing him that way was fun, actually having sex was mind blowing. I could feel my control slipping the second I was inside of him. Then he started begging me for more, and I just couldn't take it. He practically screamed my name as he came. I don't even know what I said when I did, I'm sure it wasn't coherent. We lay gasping on my futon. I grabbed onto him and pulled him close. "I love you so much," I told him.

"Mm," he replied, snuggling into me.

"I'm going to have to move," I said.

"What do you mean?"

"I think we probably almost killed the rest of the squad," I replied. Thank goodness Captain Kuchiki lives out on his estate or I'd be getting in trouble.

"YOU SAID IT WAS SHIELDED!" Ichigo yelled at me.

"You can't admit it wasn't good," I grinned.

"Probably everyone within a couple miles knows I just had sex with you!"

"Yup," I replied. If Ichigo's declaration hadn't been enough, at least now they'd know to keep their damn hands off my Ichigo.

"I hate you," Ichigo was practically pouting and it made me wish I had a little more energy. Hm, maybe in a couple minutes I'd have enough to pounce on him again.

* * *

"Oooh, what is that?" Rangiku asked, pointing to my neck. I reddened a little.

"Er, Ichigo bit me," I admitted.

"Aw, a love bite!" Rangiku cooed.

"I don't know about that, he was kind of mad when he did it."

Captain Kyoraku was in the corner trying to get Ichigo drunk. I doubt that Ichigo has really drunk that much before, and if I left him in the hands of Shunsui he was probably going to get hammered. Not that I'm against that or anything, but I only had Ichigo until tomorrow morning and I wasn't going to have him passed out and unable to play that night. I groaned when I saw Ikkaku approach the two, no doubt part of the help the whole "get Ichigo drunk"plan that Rangiku had already told me about.

I got a message from a hell butterfly. It was something stupid, but something that I needed to deal with right away, so I left.

It had only been an hour since I left the party but I'd say the plan against Ichigo went off pretty well. He looked toasted.

"Ichigo," I chided him.

"Renji, you're back!" he pulled himself onto my lap and snuggling into my chest.

Well, it wasn't that bad after all. I decided to enjoy the party myself.

* * *

"Bye, babe," I said, giving Ichigo another hug. I waved as he walked through the senkaimon, escorted by two shinigami.

"What are you two going to do?" Rukia asked after Ichigo left.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you just going to see him every couple of weeks or what?" Rukia pressed.

"Oh...I don't know, we haven't really talked about it. He's going to be starting college soon I think."

"Between school and getting rid of hollows, exactly how much time do think he's going to have to cross worlds and spend time with you?"

"Geez Rukia, I just said I don't know."

"Well you better starting thinking about it," Rukia told me.

"Lieutenant Kusajishi, what are you doing here?" I asked as the small pink haired girl appeared behind Rukia.

"Kenny really wants to fight against Ichi again," Yachiru said.

The whole damn world knows that Kenpachi wanted to fight against Ichigo again.

"Well, yeah," I pressed.

"So I thought maybe I should tell you that when I was wandering around Squad 12 I heard that they're going to claim that Ichi is a hollow," Yachiru continued.

"They...what?" Rukia asked.

I felt my throat tighten. Didn't Shiro always say that Ichigo was part hollow? Didn't I know for a fact that Shiro could take over Ichigo's body? Hadn't everyone seen Ichigo's mask during the war?

"I set everything on fire and made everyone run around for awhile, but I don't think that's going to stop Captain Puffyhead. He wants Ichi almost as bad as Kenny," Yachiru mentioned.

I didn't know enough about the new Central 46 to know what they'd do if presented with information that Ichigo was a hollow.

"Head Captain Yamamoto should probably be informed of this," I heard a voice from behind me.

"Captain!"

"Brother, I didn't know you were here," Rukia said.

"If we bring it up first, and to the head captain, there's a possibility that we keep this within the military and not have to take it to Central 46," Captain Kuchiki pointed out.

Yes, all the captains knew how much Ichigo had saved their asses. Most liked him and had a relationship with him. It would be a lot better than the coldly impersonal Central 46.

"It would make sense for me to mention it since I have seen him change with my own eyes," Captain Kuchiki said.

"Yes, Captain," I agreed.

"Thank you, brother."

"There's no guarantee that this won't be a death sentence for him," Captain Kuchiki said as he walked away.


	11. Judgment

**Judgment**

_A/N: It's really hard to write on a laptop lying on the ground. I can't wait until my furniture gets here and I have a desk again! (my back will thank me). _

* * *

I didn't want to be doing what I was doing but I refused to let anyone else do it.

"Renji!" Ichigo said, happy to see me. Why wouldn't he be? He had no idea what had been happening in his absence. For all he knew I had slipped out for a little alone time with him. I sincerely wished that was the case.

"Ichigo, this is…" he was kissing me. I couldn't help but kiss him back for awhile. When he pulled away I sighed but refused to let him out of my arms. "Ichigo, I'm here on official business," I finally finished.

"Oh yeah? Does that mean you're going to be here for awhile?" Ichigo asked me.

"Actually, I'm taking you back to the Soul Society," I told him.

"You could give me some warning. I have a lot of homework and I made plans this weekend with Chad."

"Bringing you back to the Soul Society is my official business," I explained.

He frowned slightly. "What's up?"

"Captain Kurotsuchi was trying to get you declared to be a hollow, so my captain brought it up to Head Captain Yamamoto to try to control the situation."

"What does that mean?" Ichigo asked me.

"Well, there's never been a hollow in existence that has gotten immunity from the Soul Society. Captain Kurotsuchi has been arguing that you should be turned over to the Research and Development Department for experimentation."

"After all I've done they're just going to…"

"No! Captain Kuchiki, and a bunch of the other captains, they're all fighting for you. They've been arguing all week about it, but now…now it's time for you to come and answer their questions," I told him.

"What if I choose to not go?" Ichigo asked, which was exactly the reason that I insisted it was me that go to the world of the living. The situation was sticky enough without Ichigo taking out whoever was sent to collect him.

"Ichigo, just come and talk to the captains. If things wind up not going our way I already have a plan in place for us to escape."

"Us?" Ichigo asked.

"Of course. I just got you back, do you think I'd really lose you over such a stupid thing?"

"The Soul Society would hunt you for helping me," Ichigo pointed out.

"Don't worry about it. If it comes to that, Kenpachi and his squad are going to throw the whole Seireitei into chaos. We'll have plenty of time to get away. Yoruichi has already set up her family Senkaimon for us to leave through. Kisuke has made me a special gigai in case I need it, one that masks spiritual pressure."

"That's not what I meant. I meant that you'd be giving up your whole life, everything you've worked towards."

"Ichigo, do you think Rukia would ever talk to me again if I sat by and watched you die? Do you think that any of my friends would ever want to be around me again, knowing that I did nothing to save you? My own captain would disown me for it. Discounting all of that, do you think that I could for one second live with myself, ever look in the mirror again and see the person that let the only person he ever loved be taken from him?" I had gone through all of this before with Rukia. Who knows what would have happened to me if she had been executed. For all of the backbone I tried to show when she was locked up, I would have been utterly defeated the second she died. What worth is anyone who abandons their family? On the street, as kids, whomever we could hold close, whomever we loved and counted on, that was our family. Ichigo had become my family the second I entrusted Rukia's rescue to him. I'm not the type of person that asks favors lightly, especially such a hard one. Honestly, even though I didn't love him then, he owned me the second he saved my soul by saving Rukia. The second he beat me he reawakened me, reminded me of who I was and what I was fighting for. When I woke up in my cell, my body was broken but my spirit was remade, reforged back into the person I always wanted to be. A stooge for the Soul Society? That was never in the cards. I had let my own personal ambitions and pride get in the way of my life, and I will never let that happen again. "I hope you don't think I'm the same person that allowed Rukia to be put in the penitence cell," I told Ichigo lowly.

"No…" Ichigo said, still in my arms, drawing his arms around me tightly. "You were confused then. You wouldn't have allowed it to happen in the end."

"I hope from the bottom of my heart you're right, but thankfully I didn't have to face the challenge alone. And nether will you," I assured him.

"Ok," Ichigo said. "I'll let you take me back."

"Please have faith in the captains. I know that our rules seem unfair to you, but I don't doubt that there are a lot of people who will fight for you in the Soul Society." I knew that we could count on Captain Ukitake, even if he hadn't been one of the nicest people ever, Rukia would kill him if he didn't stand up for Ichigo. Captain Kyoraku didn't like violence, liked young people in general, and had a fondness for all of the Ryoka who broke into the Seireitei that day years ago. Even if he didn't, he would have allowed himself to be led by Jushiro. Captain Soifon was tough as nails, but melted like butter in the presence of Yoruichi, and I already know that Yoruichi has been in contact with her former subordinate. Captain Unohana tended towards the humane at all times, and my captain had already shown me his true colors. Although he had been remaining fairly neutral (according to Shuuhei) in the discussions so far, I knew that he was fighting for Ichigo. Oh yeah, Shuuhei. He got made captain not too long after the war. Having to fight against his captain gave him the courage enough to finally face his zanpakuto, and what he feared it said about him. I still remember when he first achieved bankai. It was beautiful to see him get past his hang ups and get some peace. I suppose that if I had allowed myself to be forced to be captain that I could have been in there arguing for Ichigo's sake as well. I'm not regretting my decision though. If I had been made captain then I wouldn't have been able to visit Ichigo all that time when he was spiritually blind. I wouldn't have been able to help him finally see again.

So, Shuuhei would definitely be fighting on our side. Captain Komamura I don't know very well, but he seems like the type that's willing to give someone a chance. I mean, look at him. I heard him once say that he had dedicated his life to Head Captain Yamamoto for believing in him, I'd like to think he'd give Ichigo the same chance. I know that Shuuhei has been talking to him as well. Captain Hitsugaya knows Ichigo very well, having worked with him a lot leading up to the war. I still remember hearing how he went to the world of the living after Ichigo defeated Aizen to thank him. The little captain has a high amount of pride, and I would have liked to see him thanking the kid who always annoyed the hell out of him by calling him by his first name, especially considering that Ichigo couldn't even see him or hear his words of gratitude. Kenpachi would side with Ichigo of course. I think Kenpachi views Ichigo as a good friend, possibly his best friend, which probably would come as a surprise to Ichigo. Captain Kurotsuchi of course is the whole reason for the whole thing.

I think it honestly depends on the old man. What does the Head Captain think about all of this? Both my captain and Shuuhei have told me that he's remained mum during all of the arguments and discussions so far.

"Let's go," I said, leading Ichigo into the senkaimon.

* * *

I glared at the guard at the door. "I'm going in with him," I repeated.

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but I can't allow you to proceed."

"Renji," Ichigo said to me. "It's ok."

"It ain't." I looked inside at the waiting captains. "I'm a valuable witness. Out of the people here, I know you the best. Besides Captain Kuchiki, I'm the only one who has seen your hollow side. Unlike him I've seen your hollow side more than once and have talked with him."

"I feel that it would be beneficial for us to have Renji Abarai testify," my captain spoke up.

"I do too," Captain Ukitake agreed.

"Allow him in," Head Captain Yamamoto ordered.

I nodded my head in thanks and followed Ichigo in. I had come up with a plan. It's funny that I've been thinking about what I could say nonstop for a week but it was only just minutes before having to lead Ichigo into the Squad 1 meeting room that I finally think I've figured out something that will really help. It came to my mind from something that Ichigo had told me. He had explained that after being locked up in his own body and having to live like Shiro lived all the time, he had worked out a deal that allowed Shiro to at least be able to see and experience things whenever he wanted to. So far Shiro hadn't pushed Ichigo or anything, enjoying his freedom. Ichigo told me it was like having a conscience in his head, someone he talked to but that no one else saw or heard. Assuming that your conscience gave you really bad advice, was sex starved and violent (Ichigo's words, not mine, but I can believe it).

I stood next to Ichigo as he answered some basic questions. How he got his shinigami powers (all three times), how the mask worked, his training with the vizards. He described his battle with Aizen, which mostly had remained fairly secret. Most of the people in the area were too far away to know what had exactly happened, and Aizen was surprisingly closed mouthed about the whole thing too. I say surprising because he can talk your ear off about all sorts of things, how great he is, how he doesn't care what we're going to do to him, how he's immortal and above us. Ask him why he's bound and in chains and he'll just curse Kisuke Urahara and not mention anything about Ichigo. Hearing the story from Ichigo, I really wanted to see him with longer hair, which is just one of the small little details that somehow came out. Stupid random thing I know, but I just have a thing for hair. I love playing with his hair anyways, I love how soft it is, how it smells, its color. Hm, he'll owe me after this. Maybe I can asked him to stop cutting his hair for a few years and see what it looks like flowing down his back.

They finished with the initial questions and I'm shifting in my feet. I hate standing doing nothing for so long.

"So, do you guys want to see Shiro?" I asked into the pause, deciding now was the time to just jump in and do it.

"What?" Ichigo turned towards me his eyes wide.

"Shiro is the hollow, correct?" Captain Kurotsuchi asked.

"Yes," I confirmed.

"Renji…" I know Ichigo is confused, but I didn't have time to explain things to him before we got in here. I didn't really have the details fined tuned even now, but I had a good feeling about the whole thing.

"Can you just call him out when you want to?" Head Captain Yamamoto asked.

"Only recently…but yes, I can do it," Ichigo admitted.

"I would like to see him then," Yamamoto told him.

"Won't he be violent?" Captain Kyoraku asked.

"No, I'll make him behave," I assured everyone. "It'll be ok," I told Ichigo, putting my hand on his head.

"Aw thanks, Red," Shiro smiled back at me. I could hear the small gasps and other noises from the captains at the sudden change.

"Shiro, you need to really be nice right now," I told him. "A lot rests on this."

"Hmm," he responded, having wrapped his arms around me and buried himself in my chest. "How about we just run away instead?"

"What is the hollow doing?" Head Captain Yamamoto asked me.

"He loves me," I said.

"Loves?" Captain Kurotsuchi repeated. "Ridiculous."

"Yes, it's ridiculous because everyone knows that you have to have a soul to love someone," I said to the assorted captains. "Which is my first piece of evidence that Shiro has a soul."

"Love is abstract, it's not scientifically provable," Mayuri said. "Hollows have baser instincts. It could be lust or the desire to possess."'

"Shiro, could you take off your kimono?" I asked him.

He laughed. "Nice. Did you invite me here just to get naked? Because Ichigo will be jealous and it'll cause my little black heart to fill with joy."

"Just do it," I told him.

"I assume there is a point to this?" Yamamoto asked me.

"I guarantee that I'm doing this for a reason," I answered.

Shiro was now standing in front of me shirtless, his hakama riding low on his hips, leering at me. I had to prevent myself from rolling my eyes at him.

"So, mind showing me where your hollow hole is?" I asked Shiro.

"Oh well, I don't specifically have one, but if ya don't believe me I'll happily prove it to ya," Shiro responded, his hand at the ties of his hakama.

"That won't be necessary," Captain Hitsugaya jumped in.

"I would like a full view and examination of his body," Captain Kurotsuchi disagreed.

"He doesn't have a hollow hole because he has a soul," I said.

"Hollows by definition don't have a soul," Captain Soifon said, frowning at me.

"Well then, I guess Shiro isn't really a hollow by the usual definitions then, because he never separated from Ichigo. They share a soul," I said like I knew I was right. I mean, I assume I'm right, but it's not like I always bat 100 at these types of things. "Tell me, why haven't the alarms gone off?" I asked the captains. I honestly had been a little scared that they would, but silence filled the air.

"The alarms?" Shiro asked.

"The alarms that let us know if we've been breached by a hollow attack," I clarified. "Neither now, or when you fought against Captain Kuchiki have they gone off. I assume they're still working, Captain Kurotsuchi."

"Of course they are," Mayuri said not without a little bit of anger at being doubted.

"Well then, Shiro is certainly hollow _like_ but if your systems don't detect him as a hollow then I'm not sure how you can claim Ichigo is one."


	12. Resolution

**Resolution**

_A/N: So to me, Shiro is like Ichigo stripped of restraints, Ichigo as a primal hollow. Except that even Shiro isn't completely hollow-like in his desires, just more id driven than Ichigo. Think of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde if both sides still had some remains of their previous personality, two people pulled apart that belong as one. Hopefully that explains something that happens later in this chapter. _

_A/N #2: I threw up twice writing this (gross I know). Stupid migraine. Apologies in advance if there are more spelling and grammar issues than usual, I'll check back later to double check everything when I'm feeling more on the up and up._

* * *

"Well then, Shiro is certainly hollow ___like_ but if your systems don't detect him as a hollow then I'm not sure how you can claim Ichigo is one." My words hung in the air. I could feel victory. Honestly, it wasn't hard to detect the distaste on Captain Kurotsuchi's face as he looked at me.

"I would like to hear possible solutions to the problems raised by Ichigo Kurosaki," Head Captain Yamamoto said.

"Shiro, you should let Ichigo come back now," I said quietly, watching in awe as I saw him change again. It's kind of freaky, but it's still pretty amazing. I'm glad that Shiro is being good and that I only had to ask once. Maybe whatever Ichigo has worked out with him will be lasting solution.

"Can I say something real quick?" Ichigo asked. The head captain nodded. "I'm not going to age. None of the vizards do. So no matter what, now that I'm back, I'm not going to be able to live a normal human life. Things like going to college wouldn't really make sense for me because I won't be able to get a job or have a career because people will notice I'm different. I won't be able to make new friends or do things like start a family. I accept that the Soul Society will want to keep an eye on me, and probably want to keep me here, or at least under a lot of supervision in the world of the living. I've broken a lot of your laws, but I was never a part of them to begin with, and I always did what I thought was right. In the end, what was right for me and my friends wound up being right for all of the Soul Society as well. I'm not the type to call in favors, but I think you guys owe it to me to not just view me as a criminal. I think I've more than proven myself as someone you can't just write off as a hollow."

"I say put 'em in my squad," Kenpachi said with a wild grin. "I'll watch over him and if he gets out of hand I'll just kill him."

Ichigo opened his mouth to say something but I stopped him.

"Turn him over to the Department of Research and Development. We'll test his combat abilities, spiritual pressure, and endurance. And once we have everything we need we'll push him until his body breaks down and dissolves from the sheer pressure of it," Captain Kurotsuchi said.

There was no good response to that other than me restraining myself from kicking his face in.

"Captains have a very special ranking among nobles," Captain Kuchiki said. I couldn't really see what he was driving at. "Once a person is a captain, they are considered noble class, even though they are not connected to a family. They function under the same rules as nobility. They have the same protections as nobility."

Everyone was looking at him. I guess I wasn't the only one a little confused. "You want to make Ichigo a captain?" I asked. I mean, it wasn't unheard of.

"No," I could tell me captain barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes. "You." He addressed the other captains again. "We have tried several times to get Renji Abarai to be captain of Squad 5 but he has refused every time for personal reasons. My recommendation would be to promote him to captain and then have him marry Ichigo Kurosaki. Ichigo would become naturalized as a Soul Society citizen as well as become a noble through marriage," Byakuya continued.

"That's not enough to say that he'd wouldn't still let loose his hollow side and destroy the Seireitei," Mayuri said.

"Ichigo can be my lieutenant," I said.

"No," my captain again was forcing himself to keep a straight face when I could clearly see he wanted to call me an idiot. "Obviously you couldn't have your spouse at your lieutenant. Besides, I doubt that anyone would trust you to take matters seriously if Ichigo needed to be taken to task. I would have Ichigo Kurosaki become my lieutenant. I could easily keep an eye on him, and if needed, kill him," Byakuya finished. "No one doubts my ability to dispense justice if needed."

"WHY does everyone want to kill me?" Ichigo said with exasperation.

"You two can go now," Head Captain Yamamoto told us. I guess they wanted to deliberate behind closed doors.

We were put in a waiting room. I was amused by the two guards at the door. Two? Two dozen guards wouldn't make Ichigo or I even bleed if we wanted out. My mind was working fast. "Ichigo, our best bet is with my captain's plan. It's the one that has the most legality." Which I'm sure is which he suggested it. "It's just that..."

"Ok, first of all, what's up with you not wanting to become a captain?" Ichigo asked me.

"I..."

"Stupid question. I'm not going to let you answer," he cut me off. "Here's the thing, you don't have to be trailing behind Byakuya to compete against him. I know you're a little worried that you both being captains will make you two equal, and you know that you're not equal. Shouldn't that be enough? Your...rivalry...is between the two of you. Just a promotion won't make you two think differently about each other, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. What you want is for _him_ to know that you are better than him, that you beat him. He's not going to think that just because you're wearing a haori. You'll still have years, decades, hundreds of years to upstage him, to overcome him. I know that you had this whole ideal of being his lieutenant for as long as it takes, but the Soul Society has had that seat empty for a long time and I'm pretty sure it's because it's been waiting for you."

I blinked. "Ichigo, you really think that?" Hadn't I taken him to Grimmjow because I felt that whatever they had between them was made of the same stuff as the feeling that existed between my captain and I? He knew how it was between me and Byakuya Kuchiki.

Ichigo didn't answer, he didn't have to. It made sense to me. Which was good, because I didn't want to become a captain for the wrong reasons. Not that protecting Ichigo was a bad reason, but it just wouldn't be fair to my squad for me to be coerced into being there for them. Squads are built on faith and trust, I wouldn't want them to ever doubt my willingness to die for them if need be. Speaking of not being coerced into important life changing decisions... "Um, about the marriage thing..." _Now_ things were awkward. It's not like we ever thought that we had a future together, so we had never talked about things like...that. Why would we when we were kind of just beginning?

"I...it's not like I don't want to marry you Renji, it's just that I..." Ichigo was looking at his shoes. I smiled. Poor kid thought I was going to be hurt by it.

"Trust me, I understand," I said. "In the Soul Society marriages aren't even that common outsides of nobility. I mean, we live so long and all."

"I'm young even in my own world for marriage, by Soul Society standards I'm probably still a baby."

"Please don't bring that up," I groaned. It really had been hard to get over. He looked over at me amused. What? I mean, I don't _feel_ like a pedophile, but in Soul Society time...yeah...

"But what about a...I mean, we can get engaged right?" Ichigo asked.

"What?"

"Like, just be engaged for a really long time?" Ichigo suggested.

"Yeah, that could work, assuming you want it," I said.

"I...do..."

"Let's do it now," I urged.

"What?" Ichigo asked, a little shocked.

"Look, I don't want us to be forced into this. If we're going to do it, then let's do it now, before we're ordered to, before we're in front of everyone. I want to make sure that it's actually something you want. Otherwise we'll try to work out something else."

"No. I mean, eventually I was thinking...well honestly I never thought the word "marriage" because guys can't marry guys in my country."

"Now that's just stupid," I said. "What about women?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes at me. "Why would only women be able to marry the same sex?"

"I don't know, it seems stupid to not let to men marry too. Your culture has weird rules."

"I can't believe you're telling me that _my_ world has weird rules after all of this," Ichigo laughed.

"So...it's ok?" I asked him. "It's ok to ask you?"

"Geez, you're really going to do it?"

I grinned at him. "Well, if you don't want me to write you a formal letter or anything I won't."

"A what? I thought you were going to go on one knee or something."

"One knee?" I was a little confused. "Like a half kneel?"

"Nevermind," Ichigo said, looking away. Ah, ok, so this was kind of important. I shrugged and got on one knee.

"Ichigo Kurosaki, will accept my proposal of marriage?" I asked.

"Less formal," he joked, even though his face was full red with a blush.

"Ichigo, will you marry me?"

"Yes," he answered simply. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a kiss. I guess that's one thing this position has going for it.

"So, anything else?" I asked.

"Uh, rings, usually," Ichigo said.

"For our fingers?"

"Were the hell else would we..." Ichigo's face paled.

"Wait no! I didn't mean anything dirty, I was just confused!"

* * *

"Ichigo Kurosaki," Head Captain Yamamoto intoned. "Are you ready to hear our judgment?"

"Yes."

"We have decided that you will be lieutenant of Squad 6, with Renji Abarai becoming captain of Squad 5. Do you both agree to this?"

"Yes," both Ichigo and I replied.

"I thought that might be a point of contention," Yamamoto said.

"Ichigo convinced me that it would be ok," I told him truthfully. "Also, we did get engaged."

"I was not going to force you two to marry."

"Thank you for that sir, but we decided to do it on our own," Ichigo spoke up.

"Well, don't be in a hurry or anything, you both are children." Honestly, Yamamoto looked a little worried about the two of us. It was _almost_ cute. At least the closest to anything he's ever done that I've considered cute.

"But, won't Ichigo not be protected unless he's married to me?" I asked.

"We assume that with training Ichigo will become a captain himself in the not too distant future, since we still have not been able to maintain a captain for Squad 3. He will be attending classes at the academy as well as doing his lieutenant duties. He obviously doesn't need combat training, but will be taking leadership classes as well as kido," Yamamoto continued. Ichigo nodded. Captain Zaraki sighed. He doesn't have faith in the academy system in general, and he most likely thought that kido training was going to pollute Ichigo's fighting style. It's been helpful to me in some situations though. I think you should use all the tools in your toolbox when you really have too. Living is better than dying just because you couldn't use your zanpakuto. Not that I'd say that to Captain Zaraki. "In the meantime, as long as Ichigo's...other side...remains in control, we will consider this issue closed."

"I don't suppose you'd volunteer for some testing?" Captain Kurotsuchi asked.

Oh yeah, after you tried to get him declared the equivalent of meat roast. I admired Ichigo for simply nodding no instead of impaling him (which would have obviously set us back).

* * *

We were home. Well, my home, which I guess will be Ichigo's soon when I move, and is ours together anyways when we get married. That reminded me of something.

"Ichigo, can I talk to Shiro?" I asked.

Ichigo looked a little confused but switched over anyways. It feels more like he's retreating instead of just leaving now, and I can tell that it's getting easier for him.

"What's up, Red? Or did you just miss my pretty face?" Shiro smiled at me. An honest smile. It might be the first I've seen from him. I guess that means he's happy with the way things have turned out.

"Will you marry me?" I asked.

"I...what?" Shiro replied.

"Well, if you really are a part of Ichigo, then I've just promised to love all of Ichigo no matter what. So I thought that I should make sure it was ok with you too," I told him.

"My name," Shiro said. I knew what he meant.

"Shiro, will you marry me?" I think it must be like twins, as much as he tells me all the time that he _is_ Ichigo, he still wants me to recognize him on his own.

"Yeah," he said, tackling me to the ground.

"Hey now," I attempted to fend him off.

"Cold feet already?" he laughed at me.

"Sore feet is more like it."

"Oh poor baby, wanna massage?" I thought he was joking but he made a gesture towards my feet like he was serious.

"I...guess?"

Which is how I wound up laying on my back making lewd noises. Well, I was just really enjoying my foot rub, but I could tell by the way that Shiro was leering at me that he was enjoying himself more than I was. I can't help it I'm just noisy, in all things.

"Awww," I moaned. "Oh right there, Shiro."

"Anything, babe," he said with a smirk.

It's my fault. I know I really should keep my mouth shut but... "Ohhhh."

Shiro abandoned my feet and went for my hands. There's that one spot between my thumb and pointer finger that when rubbed right makes my eyes roll back in my head. That's probably why I didn't see Shiro move. All I felt was sudden warmth as he wrapped his tongue around one of my fingers.

"Shit..." it was a personal hot spot for me, one that Ichigo hadn't found yet. Not that I'm bagging on him, we just haven't had time to fully figure each other out yet. Sucking on my fingers sent all sorts of wild signals to my groin. I swear that I can almost get off on it. Shiro was grinning around my finger like he had just figured it out, and I hoped he hadn't. Well, kind of hoped he hadn't, the other part of my was racing along with my blood straight to my crotch as he took the whole finger in his mouth and began to suck at it. I couldn't help but moan. Shiro took two into his mouth and began pulling them in and out, moaning around them like a fucking whore and I could barely handle it. I knew I had to get a handle on the situation before it got out of hand.

"Ichigo," I said quietly, trying to hold on to my sanity. Shiro looked up at me, his normal golden eyes brown. "What?" It was still Shiro, the spiritual pressure still felt like Shiro, but it was my Ichigo looking back at me, although with a much more dangerous sparkle in his eyes than I was used to seeing. Shit, I was in so much trouble.

* * *

_A/N: Oh no! Worst cliffhanger ever, I know. But I want to spend time doing a full length lemon and a happy ending for our two lovebirds in the next chapter. I thought I could get it all done in one, but I've been accused of rushing before and I'd rather take the extra space to get things right. I promise to start writing the next chapter right away so that there won't be much of a wait for it._


	13. Personalities

**Personalities**

* * *

I couldn't see anything. Not because I was blind or anything, but because Shiro had taken off his belt and wrapped it around my eyes before shoving me face first into a bed. I could hear various pieces of his clothing coming off, most of them being used to tie my limbs to the bed. Why the hell had I ever gotten a western style bed? I'm just so big and the California King sized mattress had been so drool worthy. I felt my right leg, the only free part of me being tied down.

"Stop!" I said.

Shiro paused.

"I...have to see you. I can't tell...who you are..." I said.

"Worried I'm not Ichigo?" very clearly came Shiro's voice.

"Fuck you!" I said. "Let me go! I'm not going to make my first action after getting engaged to Ichigo to cheat on him!"

"Didn't you propose to me too?" came a soft voice behind my head. Shiro's whole body was pressed against my back and legs, letting me know exactly how excited he was.

"I was...trying to be sweet," I got out, trying to ignore how much I really enjoy being tied up.

"Oh, it was," Shiro said, licking at the back of my ear. "And now I'm showing my appreciation."

"Shiro...please..."

I was only held down by cloth, it's not like I couldn't break free. I kicked my right leg and freed it.

"Bad Red," Shiro said sitting his body on the offending leg. He tied it down again, and then teethed at my ankle. I gasped. He left small bites going up the back of legs, up my thigh, biting hard enough to leave marks.

What? I like a little pain now and then. It's not like I get off from getting punched or slapped or anything.

Shiro slapped my ass and I moaned.

Ok, fine I do, but only in context. I mean, it's not like I'm out there getting turned on by fighting. Unless I'm practicing with Ichigo.

I began to collect my spiritual pressure. As much as I hated to break my bed, as much I was guiltily enjoying this, I wasn't about to hurt Ichigo.

"Take it easy," I heard. I stopped what I was doing. The makeshift blindfold was pulled from my head. I craned my neck to look at who was talking. I looked into deep chocolatey eyes.

"Shiro said that you would enjoy this," Ichigo told me. "And I can tell that you are."

I didn't say anything, my mouth slightly gaping in shock.

"Most of the time, I really like finally giving into someone, not being the one in charge for once. I enjoy being taken, being held and comforted. It's not really something I've ever had in my life," Ichigo told me. "I've always felt alone, even when surrounded by my friends. When I let you take me, when I'm under your control, I feel so loved, so full."

I was smiling now. Oh Ichigo, I'm glad I can give you that.

"But, I know there's a part of you that sometimes wants me to take the reins," Ichigo said. "Hell, don't think I don't notice you like it when I beat you up a little."

I blushed. Did he mean when we were sparring he could tell, or was he talking about him taking initiative kissing me and stuff? It's not like we have had a long time to really get to know our sexual likes and dislikes yet, it's all been so...almost hurried, desperate.

"I know I'm not really experienced enough, but Shiro wants to show me how to please you this way too," Ichigo said. "If you want."

"You're...the same right? Shiro told me awhile ago that you were two sides of the same coin."

"I...it's hard for me to admit, but I...it's like two parts of me were separated when Tessai cut my soul chain. Almost like the animal and the man. The whole idea was for me to overcome the animal, but I don't know that I ever fully did. I did enough to become a shinigami, but not enough to not have some hollow left in my soul," Ichigo stated lowly. "I don't really know what he is, sometimes he says that he's part of my zanpakuto. But that's part of my soul too, right?"

I nodded.

"When you told me that you had kissed him, back when he saved you and my sister and Uryu, I actually felt relieved. I was worried that you would be scared of him. I know I was terrified of him...I still am a lot of times," Ichigo continued. "But if you're ok with this, then I am."

"Just relax and enjoy yourself," came Shiro's voice, his golden eyes laughing at me. "Who would have guessed ya to be shy."

"Shy?" I guffawed.

I felt another hard smack on my ass and bit my lip.

"None of that," Shiro said. "I was to hear ya whimpering."

"I'm not going to be..." I froze. I could feel a cold blade pressed against the back of my neck.

"Yeah, you better be still for this," Shiro said. He drew the blade down my spine, tracing my flesh but not cutting me, the sharpness of Zangetsu easily cutting through the fabric of my shinigami uniform.

I was breathing heavily. The blade almost caressed my skin and I felt the fabric bunching and pulling as it was cut. Shiro moved with precision, over my arms and leg as well.

"You...owe me some clothes..." I got out with a gasp, trying to maintain my dignity.

I could feel something else, not as sharp as Zangetsu moving across my skin now. Shiro dragged his nails across my back and then started tracing my tattoos. I moaned. He leaned down and bit at the edges of my shoulder blades, lapping at the marks he left behind with his dark tongue.

"Ichigo..." I moaned, pushing back into him. I could hear a hiss of displeasure behind me.

"Don't you dare," Shiro said, give me a harsh slap on my now bare butt, the sound of skin on skin seeming extraordinarily loud. "Now apologize before I punish you." I paused and then felt pressure as Shiro bore his weight down on me, pressing me into the bed, his knees in my back.

"S-sorry," I said.

"S-sorry what?" Shiro teased my slight stutter.

"Sorry, Shiro," I told him.

"You say his name again and I'm going to leave you naked on your boss's doorstep," Shiro threatened.

I paled. "Don't do that!" I said.

"Say again?" Shiro asked, his knees digging into me.

"Please don't do that, Shiro," I said.

"Now, ya got some lube around or do ya just want me to tear you up from the inside out?" Shiro said, his voice harsh, but full of lust.

I bucked into him a little then. Ichigo doesn't really do dirty talk. It's been all lovely and romantic, and a lot of times full of desperate need. I thought back to when I cornered Ichigo in his school, living out his fantasies. Yeah, I definitely saw it in him. I was looking forward to helping him grow into his sexuality even more. He was all...

"You are all mine now," Shiro said, completing my thought for me. "So, lube, or did you just want me to eat ya out?"

W-what? I groaned without thinking, my legs clenching.

"Well then," I could hear Shiro's smile in his voice. His hands were roughly spreading me apart. He waited, making me wait. I tried to turn so I could look and see what was happening, but a strong hand was pressing my head forward, forcing me to stare down into my pillow. My muscles quivered in anticipation. His hand retreated from my head and I could feel his breath at my ass. And then suddenly hands were pulling me open and I cried out as I felt Ichi...Shiro's tongue breach me, diving into my hole.

"Fuck!" I said. Shiro's hand starting kneading at my ass as he pressed into me. "Ah! Ah!" I was really starting to lose it. Damn it, I am going to start whimpering, aren't I? I could feel Shiro chuckling. I could feel something else do into me, alongside the wet muscle that was causing me to lose my mind. His finger went in deep, soon joined by another.

"N-nightstand," I got out, telling him where the lube was.

Shiro left me and my body practically cursed me for saying anything at all. A moment later I could feel two fingers inside me again, this time slipping in easily.

"So it is the whole two personalitied zanpakuto thing or what?" Shiro asked me.

"What?"

"I know that you love pounding into Ichigo," Shiro told me. "How is it that you can be such a seme and uke at the same time?"

"Shut up," I moaned as Shiro picked up the pace and placed a third finger inside of me.

"Maybe that's why we get along so well," Shiro said. "Maybe I'm not the only one with two personalities."

"Ah!" I cried out as his fingers brushed against my prostate. Shiro pulled out completely. I was silent for a moment, wondering what he was doing.

"Beg," came a whisper in my ear.

"Fuck you. I'm not begging," I replied.

"You are really enticing looking right now. I could just jerk myself off to this image. Jerk myself off and come all over you, and then just leave you here, panting and wet," Shiro said.

I didn't say anything. He still didn't touch me. Then I felt him begin to move, his knees on either side of my waist.

"Mmmm," he moaned.

Damn it. "Don't you dare!" I told him.

"That's not what I want, Red," Shiro said. He pressed his erection against my back and began thrusting. I could feel it like a hot rod rubbing against my muscles. "Oh, Red," he moaned.

"Stop!" I asked him.

He wasn't stopping. His rhythm was increasing.

"Please..."

"Red..." came his husky cry.

"Damn it, Shiro! Take me!"

"So close, Red," Shiro said. "You feel so good."

"Shiro! Please!" I was there, I was definitely begging.

"What?" Shiro asked.

"Shiro, please..."

I had no warning as he pushed himself into me, but the burning sensation was exactly what I wanted. I cried out as he didn't stop, pushing himself all the way in.

"You are...so perfect," Shiro said, his head resting on my back as we both waited for me to adjust. It's always a surprise to me to hear him like this, like when he was concerned for me when I was hurt. On some level I still consider him a hollow, almost an enemy. His voice now was soft, full of emotion. His hands reached around to my hip bones and pulled, making sure that there wasn't the slightest bit of room between us. "I'm going to move, you better man up," Shiro said, his voice playful and slightly harsh again.

"Yeah," I breathed. He pulled back and plunged into me. "Ah!" I cried out, my back arching. I pulled on my hands straps as forcefully as I could, giving me enough leeway to get on my arms, leaning on them as Shiro bucked into me with gusto.

"Harder," Shiro said.

"What?"

"Beg me to go harder," Shiro said, slowing himself practically to a crawl.

"Please, don't..."

He didn't listen to me and pulled out of me.

"No," I begged. "Please, Shiro. I want you."

"Need me," Shiro said.

"I need you," I said. "Please!"

Shiro entered me again but didn't move. "Shiro...Shiro...come on."

"Hm," he hummed slightly to himself.

"Move," I said, pressing back into him. He began to move, slowly. "Damn it!" I cursed him. "Stop teasing me! Take me! Hard! Fucking make me bleed if you want! Shiro!"

With that all restraint was gone and I gasped as I felt myself being completely filled. Shiro began to move with force, in and out of me. The bed started to creak and groan in protest.

"Shiro!" I called out as he slammed into my prostate. He pressed into me again and again. The wooden slates on the bed started to hit the wall, leaving indentions in the paint. "More!" I begged.

"Yyyeesss..." Shiro groaned behind me. "Oh, Red."

"Shiro!"

He reached around and began to stroke my leaking cock I eagerly thrust into his hand. I was so close...so...I bit my lip as I felt my body tightening. "Ahhh," I breathed out as I came, pulsing out and splattering my seed all over the bed and Shiro's hand.

"R-red," Shiro's choked voice came from behind me as my body clamped down on him. He pushed himself into me again. I could feel his legs tighten on mine, his muscles flexed as he came deep inside of me. "Ah, ah," I could feel his gasping breaths on my back as he laid on me. With a groan he rolled away. "Give me...a second...I'll get your ties..." he said.

I just pulled them away myself. They had barely survived our activities and I had been a little worried that they'd give out during the festivities.

"Come here," I said, pulling him close to me, wrapping my large frame around him.

"Mmm," he said, his head on my chest. "I have to admit, I'm like Ichigo too. I do like being comforted...sometimes," he said, snuggling into me.

"Ichigo?" I asked.

"I'm fine," Ichigo said, his body still out of breath. "Did I hurt you?"

"Oh, I'm definitely going to be limping," I said with a laugh. "I'll get you back though."

"I...is it fun being tied up?" Ichigo asked.

I grinned. I was looking forward to everything I was going to get to show him.

"I love you," I told him.

"I love you too, Red," Ichigo said. I looked up into his eyes, slightly shocked, but saw only Ichigo smiling back at me.

"When you get to the academy I'm going to have fun sneaking in and molesting you. Man, to think what I've done in those poor bathrooms and stairways," I laughed.

"With who?" Ichigo's eyes narrowed.

"Um...so what are you going to tell your family?" I changed the subject.

"They'll understand," he assured me. "I'll just tell them the truth. I don't want to lie anymore. At least now I won't have to. I can just live and be me. You're going to have to give me some pointers on how to work with Byakuya though."

"First thing, don't call him that," I gave him some advice. "Secondly, think of what I would do, then don't do it. Probably anything other than that will be better."

Ichigo laughed.

"What the fuck!" I heard someone yell from outside. I paled when I identified it as Rukia's voice. She doesn't cuss that often, it's not very noble, but sometimes she reverts to her Rukongai roots. "I'm going to be scarred for life!"

"Whoops," Ichigo said. "Guess she was out there for awhile." He smirked at me. "You know that means she thinks you're a bottom now. I wonder if she heard you begging?"

My eyes widened. "Damn it!"

* * *

_A/N: Well, it's a lot longer than the oneshot it started out as. I have to admit I was kind of in a depressed place starting this fic, and it kind of showed, what with all of the angst in the beginning. I think it made it good though, more realistic. Besides, people that are happy all the time freak me out._

_Anyways, I actually have another similarly themed fic in the works (to be up maybe in a few days, less if I can't sleep tonight), although it involves Grimmjow instead of Renji and the plot is completely different. I imagine it will only be able five or so chapters and it'll be called Blue Moon. If I had to come up with a description it would be: Knowing he'll lose his powers Ichigo takes an unwitting Grimmjow to the world of the living to spend one night with him. Surprisingly, it seems that hollows don't have an idea what sex is about, not that that stops Ichigo. What will happen when Ichigo can't see Grimmjow the next morning, and what is up with Grimmjow and all of this "Master" stuff?_

_For those of you who like Renji x Ichigo, I don't have anything in mind now, but I do really like the couple and will be doing something else with them in the future._


End file.
